specialbrewrants

What if they found the Brighton Bomb

2005-11-11T20:15:00.000Z

I think the failure of Maggie Thatcher goes back to the attempt to kill her by the IRA and the loss of a political right hand man of pure genius - Norman Tebbit who had to care for his wife after the disaster.

This could be the departure that even avoids the vote in the first place:

IRA Brighton Bomb Discovered.

"Ya. Hello"

"This is the Brighton Grand. We seem to have an overflow in one of our rooms."

"I'm going to have to strip out a lot of hotel. I've worked on the rooms before."

"We need this sorted. We got the Tory Party coming to stay here and we can't have the ceiling dripping on Willie Whitelaw."

"Ok I'll do it, but get a chippie to repair the damage I do."

That year the Tory party conference was held in the lesser Pavillion Hotel once the huge time bomb was defused by the Army. A series of arrest followed but the cell structure of the IRA meant that the monkey and not the organ grinder paid the price.

Norman Tebbit was viewed as the natural successor to Maggie. A possessor of a lightening sharp mind and a free market advocate despite his former trade union membership, he came to the fore in 1990 after the disasterous imposition of the poll tax.

Heseltine with his Lion's mane of hair threw down the challenge with a roar as Maggie resigned. He expected immediate elevation as the next pm, for in the OTL he only had to fight the Brixton bomber John Major. But in our ATL, the lightweight challenge was the side show to the heavyweight contender for the championship of Great Britain. Ladies and Gentlemen let me present to you...

Mr Norman Tebbit!

Iraq the Truth.

2005-11-11T19:53:00.000Z

Can someone out there please give me a rational reason why Bush invaded Iraq.

DEFINITELY FALSE REASONS

Nations always act in their self interest so let's dismiss the altruistic to democratize the Middle East (so why not Africa?)

Next the WMD's argument has been seen to be a made up pretext to make it legal to invade in that Iraq was a direct threat to the US.

Support for Al Quaeda from Iraq is total rubbish: Saddam only recognised one power, himself.

POSSIBLE REASONS

To make the US the preferred partner in dealing with Middle Eastern Oil as opposed to Europe, Russia, India, China or the Far East.

This relies on the Conspiracy theory that Saddam had started to deal his oil in Euros and this undermined the viability of the US Dollar for countries from which the US had borrowed. This would result in a run on the US Dollar pegged artifially high and would mean economic meltdown for the US deprived of its cheap imports.

I think that no one sensible can dispute:

1. It made sense to overthrow the regime in Afganistan.
2. The average Iraqi will eventually be better off without Saddam.
3. The WMD pretext for war against Iraq was seriously flawed. At best the intelligence was flawed; at worst Bush deliberately lied.

What is at dispute is the benefit the US is getting from the Invasion. There has to be a reason of self interest for the US to invade in the first place. Nor can this be down to stupidity as some people maintain. Bush may not be the brightest light in the administration but he is surrounded by thousands of highly intelligent people. How did America get to be top dog in the first place: not by being stupid.

Certainly the short term cost is high both in lives and effort. Oil prices have risen. AQ has a presence in Iraq it never had. AQ has gathered more recruits since the invasion.

In the long term democratic or non democratic the Iraqis are going to own the oil. The US will certainly have major influence over that oil, but this is not the same as the simple theft of the oil that some commentators maintain.

The "Why Iraq?" that some have put forward on this forum is that Saudi Arabia is the real target since OBL's movement originated there and enjoys support without the government cracking down on it.

Invading SA directly would be disasterous since world oil supplies would suffer because SA has about 70% of the World's reserves, but stationing troops in Iraq would mean that US troops can invade SA at a drop of a hat. Thus SA's rulers would spot the writing on the wall and begin putting their house in order.

There are flaws in this argument:

1. Where is the evidence that SA is doing anything about AQ?
2. If we were unwilling to invade SA in the past because of the crisis in world oil supplies that would result, then surely that argument still applies.

Some of the evidence that tends to support this is:
1. US troops stationed in SA because of the Kuwait problem had been asked to leave, but I am sure that Kuwait would have been happy to give them a home.
2. Iraq is right in the Middle of the middle east whereas Kuwait is at the south of it.

This is my take on it so far THE TRUTH

With 90% of the Worlds Oil Reserves the Middle East is strategically important to the USA - more so, now there are more customers for the oil. It cannot risk Islamic Fundamentalism arising in the area and exerting a stranglehold on the US.

The US develops a long term plan to occupy Iraq for its strategic location and pretexts include the evil of Saddam, the War on Terror, WMD and democrasy for the Middle East, but they are only what the public is told, not the true reason.

The plan is a long term one in that the insurgency was expected but could not be revealed to be expected to the public to whom the war would have to be sold.

The US genuinely wants democracy for Iraq and hopes a knock on effect will occur effectively replacing dictatorships and the reason for terrorism. Overall it is a plan that will produce good for the world but that's not the reason behind it.

I can see why some people thought this thread was a double blind. In my eyes:

Bush invaded Iraq to ensure Middle Eastern Oil Supplies to the USA. Iraq was chosen because of its strategic position and because it provided suitable pretexts that could be sold to the public.

Which is almost: "Bush invaded Iraq solely for the oil"

I have just realised something I think is quite important to the whole Iraq debate.

People talk about the Iraq war as being badly planned because there was no contingency for a prolonged war against insurgents within Iraq. This again comes back to the attitude that "Americans are thickos and GB is the thickest of the bunch" which as I have pointed out earlier is complete bullshit.

THE WHOLE POINT OF THE INVASION OF IRAQ WAS TO GET TROOPS INTO A STRATEGIC POSITION IN IRAQ TO ENSURE FUTURE OIL SUPPLIES TO AMERICA. THE INSURGENCY ALLOWS THE TROOPS TO BE KEPT IN IRAQ WHICH IS THE OBJECTIVE ALL ALONG.

THE ADMINISTRATION KNEW THERE WOULD BE INSURGENCY ALL ALONG. THEY KNEW THIS WOULD WORK TO THEIR ADVANTAGE BY LEGITIMIZING THE PRESENCE OF AMERICAN TROOPS. ALTHOUGH THERE IS MUCH TALK BY THE ADMINISTRATION ABOUT A PULL OUT TO PLACATE THE PUBLIC, THERE IS NO INTENTION TO WITHDRAW TROOPS BECAUSE THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE OBJECT OF THE MISSION IN THE FIRST PLACE.

So the War is going to plan after all...

Sorry I got my last post 100% wrong. Please disregard it. 2 guys have turned up in really sharp suits and they are really clean cut and persuaded me I have an overactive imagination.

I was expecting them to be from MI5 but they were Jehova's witnesses. I will be doing Bible study everynight and not messing with the Internet from now on.

Is 90 days too long?

2005-11-10T12:28:00.000Z

If this is the ninety days that Toby's got left before he resigns then...

90 DAYS IS DEFINITELY TOO LONG!

Quote: Blair defeated over terror laws

Prime Minister Tony Blair has lost the key House of Commons vote on plans to allow police to hold terror suspects without charge for up to 90 days.

At last he has an excuse to get out. Cherry's going to be nagging him to go on the lecture circuit to get the cash to fund the wilting investments she is behind and we all know what a nagging woman is like - they eventually get what they want because they are like children in their attitude, but with the powers of persuasion of a Pussy.

I think he can (like Bonkett) go with his head held high and reputation intact - Not! Obviously Slimeball Brun has been conspiring behind his back.

And then moving in silently, down wind and out of sight
You gotta strike when the moment is right without thinking.

Cue Dave Gilmour Guitar solo.

That's the way it happened to Maggie (God Bless Her) and that's the way it is happening to Tony.

Shakespeare said it all in his magnum opus: Tobius Bleasar.

[Blair drops to ground, a hundred wounds of the dagger bleed deep into his toga. He catches sight of the last of the conspirators with blade poised to strike]

Quote:

Et tu, Browne?

Infamy, they've all got it in for me.

[Exeunt, body dragged by stagehands].

Slapper about to win Public Sector Lottery

2005-11-10T12:24:00.000Z

According to the Scum (Toby's Lickspittle Rag)

Quote:

Special Forces spy Leah Mates broke down sobbing yesterday after claiming she suffered years of degrading sexual abuse.

If it was that bad abuse why did she put up with it for years. Obviously to load up the compo pot.

Anyone who has not suffered a bit of abuse at work is not human its all the tapestry of life that makes us human. And the only answer is to give it back the more. If someone is punching you physically, you respond and it has to be that way verbally.

Leah Mates thinks she is unattractive as a result of years of abuse and they even called her a 'lesbian', yet there is a picture of her in the Sun today and she looks more like a Lipstick Lesbian that the usual swamp donkey you would associate with Lesbotic practices.

James Bulgers parents got about 12K. Soldiers having their limbs amputated dont get much more but watch out for this bimbo copping the public sector lottery as her award (688k + more for "hurt feelings") under the Cherry Blair commisariat finally breaches the psychologically significant 1MILLION MARK.

I remember my Dad telling me it takes someone 10 days to count to a Million...

JPH's Kebab Nightmare by SS.

2005-11-07T22:30:00.000Z

Ladies (unlikely I know) and Gentlemen (plural also unlikely) readers of this Blog. It is my pround pleasure to introduce to you a new monkey on the typewriter. By the traditions of this Blog he will be known only by his initials, SS. (No relation to the famous organisation of the same name, I think)

Sometimes a great master must take on an apprentice with a view to his own future and to pass his great skills down to future generation. Ideally the one chosen should display a natural talent for drunken ranting so ferocious that with careful nurture he will eventually surpass his master in this fine art.

Unfortunately the words 'talent' and 'skills' are so devoid from my new boy-wonder of the text, that if they are applied to SS then their use will be somewhat oxymoronic. Moronic is actually what you can expect from this cant as he is normally Stella'd off his tits.

Enjoy...

Good evening y'all. Welcome to the all new 'friends of JPH' specialbrewrants posting section.

As you can imagine, the number of contributors to this section will be finite. In fact, if there are any other contributors other than me, I'll eat my hat. Let me introduce myself. My name is Tony Blair. I'm JPH's ONLY friend.

I'm posting now as JPH is currently sat on the pot squealing like a pig, arse like the flag of japan, whilst listening to the Dark Side of the Moon. The Kebabs round here are very nice. I've had one myself this evening - nothing wrong with mine, but JPH's seemed to want to 'follow through' all the way if you get my drift. Anyway, you may have had a rather one-sided view of JPH's character from his incessant mysogonistic rants on this blog. I'm here to set the record straight[sic].

Straight is a rather ambiguous term when talking about JPH. He may not be inclined to roger a member of the same sex up the Cadbury Highway, but that doesn't make him any less a deviant. Only this evening, I've had to listen to him waffle on about the merits of pouring a half pint of cream over his knob and letting some farmyard animal lick it off. And me a Member of parliament!

Note to Self :

Cream from waitrose, 3 litres should do it, oh, and get rid of Cherie for the evening.

Note to Self2:

If it works for an evening, think about ditching the fucking puke-inducing whore-bag permanently and moving to a farm in Devon.

JPH plays TimeCop

2005-11-01T23:13:00.000Z

Having watched an excellent Jean Claude Van Damme movie I have to conclude in the action stakes he is far above Steven Segal who my mate's wife fancies.

Timecop sought to eradicate from history those who were of a particularly evil bent.

So imagine you are a high kicking semi-invincible hard nut sent from the future able to destroy your particular bugbear from history. The time stasis generation field only works once. If you are to return for another kill then the energy of the field will divert to your internal organs and you will have a most horrible death as the price of killing a second person.

So, who in the panoply of sadists that echo their footsteps in the corridoors of history would you do?

Who?

---o---
Timecop Part I

Always liked the bid about Chairman Mao never washing under his foreskin and that was the job for the women of the revolution to wash under there.

Would tart meself up with a load of red eye shadow and shave my eyebrows. I'm sure I could get into his inner circle.

Heh!

Only I stopped off at 1973 on the way and I have got Jaws' from The Spy who Loved me set of Titanium Gnashers.

"Eat Cheese my love," would be his last words...

---o---
Timecop Part II

Who is the super cool white dude that inhabits the corridoors of time,
And wobetide you muthafucka if you committed a crime,
That's against human race
Because I'm right in your face
My names JPH and I don't need to rhyme.

After giving the blowjob from hell to the Chairman, the Lords of the 5 dimensional universe (3 spatial, 1 time and 1 AH) have given me permission to relieve the world of its 2nd worst criminal of all time (according to the Guiness Book of Records).

Leon Trotsky: "What is this strange kind of Music".

JPH: "It's Whatever Happened to the Heroes by the Stranglers."

Ipod: What ever happened to Leon Trotsky?

LT: "My God that's me"

Ipod: He got an Icepick that made his ears burn.

LT: "That Bastard Stalin?"

JPH: "Yes."

Later on that evening. Trotsky and JPH have been feigning drunkenness. But they still laughed with hilarity as the man of Steel shot 2 waiters for not chilling the red wine properly.

LT: "Hold the cunt down."

JPH: "Watch my fingers Leon. Careful how you swing that axe"

A jet of pressurized blood blasted on the ceiling as the electricity of the 2nd Soviet 5 year plan died and a new era was ushered in.

Al Quaeda vs Complexities of the English Language

2005-11-01T23:11:00.000Z

How about simplified speling [sic] for the English Language.

http://www.spellingsociety.org/journ...flets/ses2.php

Apparently we each waste one year of our educational lives learning complex English spelling.

[Mind you that text in the link is a bit of hard going at first]

Let's say 1900 reform was adopted that respelt all English words phonentically using the 40 phonemes used in the language consistently and also we introduced a new alphabet with a one to one correspondence to the phonemes.
(Currently there are 500 representations of the phonemes).

Other countries have done this so it is not that extreme.

Probly no Shakespeare in schools then!

Just realised that if learning spelling wastes one year of your life...

That is 1/80th of every English speaking person - lets say that everyone lives to 80.

So if there are 500 million English speaking people that is 500 million years lost or 6 million lifetimes.

So let's get the death tallies of Al Quaeda in perspective.

Hitler II

2005-11-01T22:55:00.000Z

Berlin

Over the past couple of months a middle-aged Paraguayan émigré has been attracting attention to himself within the local Neo-Nazi community with amazing claims. He says he is the only child of the infamous German leader Adolf Hitler, a man who killed over 40 million throughout Europe in his twelve year-rule. Adolf Hitler is believed to have committed suicide in the wreckage of his Fuehrerbunker with his new-wife and long time mistress Eva Braun.

AT LAST! HE HAS RETURNED.

Finally I understand the Fuhrer's Promise of a Thousand Year Reich.

World War II was a massive feint to lull the Allies into a sense of false superiority and to gain the conditions favourable for German Reich to finally succeed.

In the East:

The temporary political fashion that is Communism has collapsed and the Jew has finally re established his oligarchy over the Slav. As the Fuhrer once said kick in the door and the whole house will come tumbling down.

In the West:

There will be no more speculation regarding Operation Sealion. The Alternative History Posters knew it could not work and so did the Fuhrer. That is why he decided to wait for a Channel Tunnel to be built so that his Panzers can travel to defeat the Englander in Style. The rest of the troops will enter as illegal aliens since England seems to have abandoned all border controls.

The capitalist degenerates of the United States are tied down fighting a war they can never win in the Middle East.

I can see it now: a Pincer Movement of Panzers to pluck out the heart of the Soviet empire. The Americans will crumble as we ally with our new Arabic friends (granted honary Aryan status, of course).

Then when the Swastika flies above all the nations of the world, we shall remove the DNA from Muller and isolate the originally pure Aryan genes of the Fuhrer and clone his genius so that he may view the ultimate triumph of his masterplan.

Ein Reich! Ein Deutchland! Zwei Fuhrers!

Seig Heil!

http://alternatehistory.com/discussion/showthread.php?p=284297

Und anuzzer thing...

Der European Union achieved in a few short years what our Panzers could never do. A European Hegonomy where an unelected elite dictated the mores of the oldest civilisation of the world.

Add to zis the victories in 2 Vorld Cups and it should have been 3 only the linesman was a Slav and we can now realise that our Fuhrer's vision has been realised.

Und vonce you haf finished pouring money, Americaners, into our Arabic Aryan friends in new Berlin (or Bhagdad as you now call it) zere vill be total domination of your economy as their exports blossom like Germany and Japan und zey purchase large chunks of your country.

Prime Minister Scargill - By Jeffrey Archer

2005-11-01T22:51:00.000Z

As the first Sealink Hovercraft disgorged its Cargo of Soviet tanks that were to head to London on the A127 from Dover to back up Scargill's regime embarked, Maggie Thatcher signalled her intentions to commander Tebbit of the English resistance.

Even at a distance you could tell Margaret Thatcher was an unusually attractive woman. At the age of 30 she had turned down an American Billionaire because it would have meant leaving her beloved England.

She raised the bazooka to her shoulder and let fly. That was one tank that would never make it to the capital...

Brian Epstein 1934-2005

2005-11-01T22:48:00.000Z

Brian Epstein

19 Sep 1934 - 10 Aug 2005

The Liverpool Echo mourns the death of Liverpool's most famous son: Brian Epstein Record Entrepreneur, Founder of OUT! and Gay Rights activist.

Echo correspondent, Richard Starkey, records a discussion at his wake in Liverpool with his old associate John Lennon. Both Richard and John were active in the Liverpool beat scene which, for Brian, was the beginning of his road to the big time.

Richard Starkey (RS) : These sausage rolls are stale.

John Lennon (JL) : Brian would never have allowed that to happen.

RS: He was a great man.

JL: He was a great airline.

RS: OUT! is one of the biggest airlines in the world. Few knew at the time he was making a statement.

JL: He had guts, but he never had mine.

RS: I think he fancied the bass player. You were a bit rough for his taste.

JL: Air Stewards all over the gay world can be thankful he made their job acceptable.

RS: You're not jealous of Paul.

JL: Brian only wanted the rough.

RS: You're as rough as they come. I don't think a man who founded NEMS chain of stores and an airline of his own would want to deal with the lack of class you were.

JL: If there's anyone lacking class its you, you hairy arsed troll.

RS: Now, now, I never said I fancied him. Who was that pretty man on the bass guitar.

JL: You're not going to believe me: Paul McCartney.

RS: No, not, Paul off morning TV.

JL: You played with us one night when Pete was seeing some bird.

RS: Did I?

JL: Arseholed that night you were. Mind you we all were.

RS: Brian would have liked it us all arseholed.

JL: Your jokes are as sh*t as your drumming.

RS: I'll have you know I was in a happening band.

JL: What with Rory and the Stormtroopers.

RS: No my kids the Starrs. When they were 16 and 17 they played the guitar and they couldn't find a drummer. So they approached me. I lasted 30 gigs until they got an agent. He told them get rid of the old guy.

JL: Did you go quietly?

RS: Yes and my boys, God bless them said they would n't go on without me, but I told them about Rory and how you only get one chance.

JL: So what happened?

RS: One's an accountant and one's a journalist.

JL: Journalist are scum.

RS: A lot better than Milkmen.

JL: The housewifes didn't think so. Besides I had 3 daughters to feed: the wife had had triplets.

RS: Can't have been yours: your sperm was too pissed to swim straight.

JL: That was the problem. It wasn't the best job to get after I finished with the Beatles, a milkman. Too much time on my hand. I could drink with the posties in the afternoon and in the morning there was too much of it about.

RS: Not surprised Cynthia left you. Surprised she stuck around to 77. John, really she was a lovely girl.

JL: We get on right now. And me and Faith, Hope and Charity get on just fine...

RS: You didnt call them that?

JL: Jenna, Melanie and Natasha actually. They hated me. It was only about 10 years ago that they thought I'd sobered up enough to see their kids. And I agree with them because they had seen me battering their mother.

RS: It only took you 10 years to come round. People say it was more than just alcohol.

JL: I'm a good Catholic boy. It was nothing more than the sweet nectar of Alcohol. Still I ended up in rehab fighting for my life and I've been a good boy ever since.

RS: Didn't you meet your wife there?

JL: Is this an interview or do you have a memory like a sieve? John Lennon, picture book writer would not have been born if it was not for her. And she does the pictures.

RS: What happened to that lad who could play guitar.

JL: After I had to go on the Milk round the Beatles continued on as a three piece for about 2 gigs but Mr Epstein insisted they still wore the suits.

RS: When the Rolling Stones were number one?

JL: It went to a 2 piece after that. mcartney's parents stepped in after that to spare him from Rock and Roll and he got a place in college studying law.

RS: But that was not the end of his musical aspirations.

Together: Opportunity Knocks!

JL: He made the final. That was a catchy song. I can't remember but it was a good tune...

RS: You remember the winner though.

Together: "Billy don't be a hero."

JL: Didn't stop him though. The girlies always liked him and the publicity never did him any harm. Liverpool City councillor, aged 31.

RS: ...the Permatan Bastard!

JL: Sir Permatan Bastard, it looks like if Tony has his way.

RS: I asked you what happened to George!

JL: Yes that bloke could play the guitar. Me, I just used to play what I felt. I'd move my hand when it felt right, but that kid he knew all the names of the notes.

RS: I heard he went to London and learnt to read music. He was big on all the hits as a session man but never in the limelight.

JL: I'd have been in the limelight. As it was it was the early morning light. Things were looking good for our George and then he got religion.

RS: Never sent you a post card either.

JL: Don't know if guru George is alive or dead, but good luck if he is.

RS: I hear someone else is back on the scene.

JL: The John Lennon live at the Red Lion on Sunday nights is what you are talking about might I guess?

RS: I saw the chalked board though I did not venture in.

JL: Its me, the guitar and a cubase backing track to 70's. 80's, 90's hits.

RS: Do any of the old Beatles stuff?

JL: I did one, but they all used it as an excuse to go to the toilet.

RS: Need a drummer.

JL: There's no room for you lad. Anyway Cubase does all that and its to time. Anyway thought we were talking about Brian.

RS: So we were. I hear you were pretty close to getting a recording contract.

JL: We were as close as any other band that's not good enough to make it.

RS: Not one of Brian's success stories then?

JL: He tried every record company under the sun. We put all our chips on EMI. He said there was a producer who would appreciate the musicality of the Beatles.

RS: What happened?

JL: Ill on the day. Never listened to the tape after that. Had better things to do.

RS: Don't you wonder WHAT IF?

JL: Not really.

What if Bush and Saddam fought a duel to see who would rule Iraq.

2005-11-01T22:45:00.000Z

Bush: Choose your weapons Saddam.

Saddam: Here is your Rubik's cube for Iraq, and this is mine for America.

Bush: Goddam it, you son of a camel, that takes real intellect. What are you planning for the USA if you win.

Saddam: We will invade Mexico, the 19th Province of the USA.

Bush: And let all the Wetbacks in in one go. What about the Jews?

Saddam: As long as they help me with this Rubik's cube they can remain.

Bush: I've got a whole side white; how's it going Prince of Arabia?

Saddam: I have 1/3 complete that is 17 of your states. Why don't we stop now and you can have Basra and I will take California and the Eastern States?

Bush: Come on Condolessa, I thought you were supposed to be intelligent.

Condolezza Rice: Sir, intelligence sources suggest you nuke the cube and use nanotech mini robots to reassemble the cube in correct sequence.

Saddam: Why don't we just go with the light sabres and fight it out like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader. This f**king cube is doing my head in.

Bush: Who's Darth Vader?

Saddam: He's a jet black guy with a huge helmet.

Bush: Where's Colin Powell when you need him?

Me and David Icke

2005-11-01T22:42:00.000Z

According to David Icke and conspiracy theorists Reptilian forms ARE the dominant life forms on Planet Earth NOW.

All you need is a zoom lens and entry to the Bildeburg conference grounds and you can see these evil lizards shape shifting and sacrificing human children.

I secretly interviewed Mel Gibson (in Lizard Form) after falling out of a tree.

Me: So that's how you can get away with making so many crap films lately.

MG: Yeah, Hollywood is pretty much Reptilian controlled.

Me: What, even the fit birds like Rene Zellweger?

MG: Fit? She's a Brontosaurus when she shape shifts.

Me: I thought we humans discovered the New World to get away from you lot.

MG: No, Columbus was one of us. That's him over there actually.

Me: Schwarzenegger?

MG: Yes, we live for a thousand or more of your earth years. We needed more land area to farm you humans.

Me: And the American Revolution?

MG: See Tony Blair over there? We don't call him "T Rex Tony" for nothing. He's played over 50 power crazed politicians in his career. Yes, including George Washington.

Me: And since then the American Presidents...

MG: Have all been Lizards. Oh apart from Kennedy and Lincoln. So unfortunate it had to end that way for them.

Me: So George W is one of you reptiles.

MG: Don't insult us, human! We could never find a lizard that stupid!

I escaped with my videocam as proof of the lizard peoples but unfortunately I had loaded a BetaMax cassette.

Nazis escape to a Parallel Earth and re-emerge 2005.

2005-11-01T22:37:00.000Z

1945: Werner Heisenburg has constructed a device like the Stargate.

At last! He locates another planet similar to earth 5 million years ago and creates a connection through which personnel can move but only in a one way direction. The SS and prime Ayran women breeding stock is evacuated from Germany. Hitler summons his double to Berlin and puts a bullet into him before stepping through the gate to new Germania.

Heisenburg has calculated that the gate has returned the Germans to 500AD so this will give them time to breed and populate the planet till 2005 when the gate from new Germania will open and they will be free to invade planet Earth. However, just like the Terminator series, only living material can pass through the gate, and the SS will turn up naked on their new planet.

Would a new terrifying Nazi society arise in the 1500 years given, or would the message of the Nazis be lost as they struggled to survive on a hostile planet?

If SS stormtroopers were to pour back through the wormhole later this year how would their technology compare?

Burquit Yonarwi's Diary

2005-11-01T13:31:00.000Z

As might be serialized in the completely not at all Islamophobic:

Burquit Yonarwi's Diary

Bridget's just old hat and that's why our readers have fallen hook, line and sinker for the diary of a Muslim Singleton that's a complete blast.

October 31:

Jihads 2 v.v.good

Fatwas 1 (room for improvement)

Weight(without dynamite belt on) 8st 4 (excellent!)

Shazza was in a bit of a tizz this morning.

"I thought we were going to hear a talk by Iman," says she. "You know the supermodel wife of rock star David Bowie?"

"You need to get your ears cleaned out young lady." I chided from one of the mats in the Mosque. "I definitely said let's go and hear what the Imam has to say."

However she was soon absorbed in the spell binding rhetoric of the Mullah and left the meeting firmly convinced of the rectitude of the Palesinian struggle against the Zionist Marxists of Israel backed by that Great Satan USA.

"Allah Al Akhbar!" shouted Shaz "I'm off to make some Ricin."

--o--

Some friends were round later and we got to discussing the benefits in the afterlife of Female Suicide Bombers (or should that be Bomberesses!)

"If the guys are getting 72 virgins surely we should be getting something pretty hot."

"Mmm, I don't mind how many I get as long as that Jude Law's at the front of the queue."

Am I alone in believing that Mr Law's breakup with Sienna is a blessing to all us singletons. He can take me to heaven any day!

--o--

Talking of Sex Gods I had to get ready for my date that evening with Abu. It was time to dress up in my LBB (Little Black Burqua). It was seduction time and the eye slit was daringly cut a full centimetre wider than other less modest garments.

The Tora Bora is one of the most exclusive restaurants and its rumoured OBL himself can make the rare appearance.

"INFIDEL PIGS MUST ALL DIE!" commented Abu as he seductively used his hook to pick out pieces of cave squirrel meat that had become wedged in his teeth.

"Are you doing anything for Bonfire night?" I tactfully changed the subject.

I was fishing for a Mini Break - perhaps a couple of nights alone together in Iran or North Korea.

But what he did next completely took me by surprise. If this is not a sign of commitment then what is?

He stared deep into my eyes and his unseeing socket pulsed with mad emotion.

"You will be my firework for all Britain to see," he promised.

Dear Diary: I just can't wait!

David Blunket's Latest Squeeze.

2005-11-01T11:54:00.000Z

Congratulations, Dave, you've pulled a total stunner. I've christened her 'Ecin' - Everything Cherie Is Not. There were some great pictures in the Star of her Topless Sunbathing - your bird, not Cherie - she'd only make Crufts monthly.

We were a bit doubtful about mad woman Kimberly who clearly had missed out on her rabies vaccination, but you have hit the jackpot with this hottie. Doubters are saving that your pulling power comes from being a top government minister, but I reckon you must have the gift of the gab. I'll have to try that "I want you to have my babies" line next time I'm out on the Chardonnay.

With me she even have to have my babies. I would just be happy if I managed to fire my sperm over the bitch's tits. And if I had the chance I would forgo masterbating for about 3 weeks just to make sure my jizz was nice and congealed and therefore good looking.

Give us back Our Land

2005-10-31T10:05:00.000Z

What Labour should have done was take all the Monarchy and Assorted aristocracy and abolished it wholesale in 1945 with lands being divided up amongst the commoners.

ie they should have done something useful instead of just taxing the working class which is what they have done since.

Relieving the Aristocracy of their lands which they obtained by brute force would be a simple affair. The lands would fall into the hands of a company of which all adult Plebians at the time would be equal share holders and then the shares would be traded on the stock market. The nobs would be left a wealth 10 times that of the average individual so they couldn't complain poverty.

This would have been a great way to sort things out in Zimbabwe:-

With Zimbabwe all you have to do is redistribute the land using the above scheme and then what the holding company does is pay the white farmers to farm it while encouraging them to teach the rest of the country how to farm a small holding.

Robert Mugabe, if you're reading this on a late night bottle of Teachers and the freshly drained blood of a chicken then contact me and I'll sort your country out for you, so that you will be gettin’ the OBE soon my friend.

Aristos don't just own big stretches of sheep farming land they own big chunks of London cf. the Duke of Westminster. Their control of the supply of land pushes up the price for the rest of us.

Also they can keep their titles but they don't really mean much without the wonga to back it up.

Also House of Lords goes and is not replaced. Maybe it is turned into flats like county hall.

For example primo aristo Duke of Westminster is worth 5.6 billion for his lands.

There are 48 million adults. Doing the Maths that gives £5,600 / 48 = 116 pounds per member of the population. That is round about 80 cans of Special Brew or an Ounce of blow and that's only the first of the list. Probly with the rest of the Aristocrats (incl her Maj= 5bn approx) we could be talking about a tidy sum of £500 which I think in plebian parlance is a "monkey".

I have to say that private property gained through hard work should be sacrosanct but that inheritance from ancestors who gained what they did through brute force should be another issue.

I am not advocating state control of the wealth of the uber-class I am advocating that it be given to the people via the stock exchange. That land has to be made productive and there are various deals the Public company in charge of the estates (call it Plebland plc for argument) could pay to have this done even paying the former owners to maintain it. Just like the stock exchange sell offs your average punter could sell at any time he needed to finance his drug habit.

The rule would be very simple: any one with more than 10 times the national wealth in land who could not prove that the worth of the land was earned in their lifetime would have their holding reduced to 10 times the national wealth (still a substantial chunk) and the rest would be placed under the management of Plebland plc.

Mind you this is probably too simple for someone like Gordon Brown. The principle of Socialism is redistribution of wealth. We are being taxed on earnings, the rate of increase of wealth, which is not the same thing.

In economics formula, Gordon:

W=Wealth, t = time, k = some constant, d = differential operator.

Under ideal socialism:

Tax = k W

Under Brownism.

Tax = k dW/dt

Under Aristo accounting.

k dW/dT = 0 (Hence they have massive assets and pay no tax).

I think what happened when Parliament got its ascendency in 1650 or so was that the toffs said they could have the working class (the new name for serfs) to tax as long as they left the Posh alone.

Now that scottish tosser Brown is not going to change things because the Upper Classes still remain part of the secret ruling elite that controls this country and a deal is a deal and wobetide anyone breaks his word. Just like anyone else the Coven of Nobs behind this conspiracy are greedy bastards and want to hang on to everything they can.

NB The Queen is the chief conspirator in this affair. She is not entirely a figurehead since she has a veto on the general election and can act as a tie breaker. She didn't have to pay income tax until recently and is still one of the richest persons in the world. She is also exempt from inheritance tax.

The French are much lazier than us in the UK. They seem to work about a 25 hour week compared to our 60 hour average and take about 4 months off holiday in the year. Yet they still seem to have a better standard of living than us. Why? Their cost of housing is nothing like our own enslavement to mortgages.

I think they have Mme la guillotine to be thankful for that because once the nobs stopped enjoying their huge estates there was much more land in the pot for everyone.

I can now prove a conspiracy exists going right back to the Domesday book II. Didn't know of this research before now; I was just using the power of inductive logic. They use Ireland as an example where I used France.

http://www.progress.org/revwob.htm

Might have to start posting from an anonymous IP address after this as the MI5 assassins close in.

No, they've got a better solution to handling the whistle blower: just discredit anyone who reveals the truth as a complete nutter who's been on the spesh too much...

Reasonable Force

2005-10-31T09:40:00.000Z

As one who has been the subject of a couple of aggravated burglaries and a mugging yesterday's liberal becomes today's vigilante.

When you're up against them one on one you realise there is no tactic they will not employ in order to get away.

As an example me and the Mexican I lived with in some shithole surprised a couple of burglars who retreated and found they could not get out. They surprised us and one of them hit me in the chest with a wooden pole. How he did not break a rib, I do not know but I was young then.

We overpowered them but instead of beating both into unconsciousness like I would do now, I tried to call the police. One of the lads broke free, and smashed a teapot on the Mexican's head knocking him out, after I had managed to avoid his knife lunges though I got cut on the hand.

They fled into the night. The Police as ususal didn't care a flying fuck.

Try it. It will change your life.

George Best

2005-10-30T19:20:00.000Z

If I ever read or have to listen to this anecdote recounted generally in this kind of tone, I will personally pay £75 to have a Chechen Hitman take out the Cant in question.

I know George Best is in the media lately for all the wrong reasons, but I just thought I would let rip with this little tale about Georgie in his prime.

It was straight after Manchester United's European Cup triumph. Besty ordered up some champagne to his hotel room. So the bellhop with the champagne knocks on the door and he doesn't get an answer, so he takes this as a sign to go straight in.

Anyway, what a sight greets his eyes. The European Cup's there, half filled with Shampoo and Bestie's on the bed with not one, but two Miss Worlds. He's got his cock up the arse of the blond one and the brunette one is licking his balls as he does this. To top it all this threesome's taking place on top of a pile of £50 notes.

"George," goes the bellhop, "George, where did it all go wrong?"

"Where did it all go wrong?" I ask you. That's so funny you couldn't make it up.

"Where DID it ALL go wrong?" That's probably the way he said it.

Hilarious!

I have since encountered this same bollox 14 times in the Newspapers - Cants.

Iran next for operation 'Freedom'

2005-10-30T12:06:00.000Z

Tony Blair tonight condemned the Iranian premiers call to wipe Israel off the map. This is similar sort of rhetoric that he employed prior to the invasion of Iraq. Are we going to have to clump that lot in the name of world police?

The way that the army is manned both here and the US, unless we get the international community in, it will require conscription in both our countries.

We'll thump them obviously, but then its guerilla warfare.

The main problem I can see with this one is if a la Haig they recruit a volunteer force.

Saturday Night:

Out there on the piss, denied entry to a club. Enter a recruiting booth. "Your Tony needs YOU!"

"Yeah I'll wipe out all those Towelheads. I'm a Fujitsu Ninja warrior. Just send me out there."

"Write your signature just there, son."

Sunday Morning:

Wake up and we're praying that the ammo doesn't run out as I feed ammo belts into the HMG in the vain hope that none of the Millions of Fuzzie Wuzzies charging do not reach the British Line in a repetition of the Black Hole of Calcutta.

Ken Livingstone: a Real life Dave Spart

2005-10-28T14:02:00.000+01:00

Ken Livingstone said that it would be offensive for the homicide bombers familes to be refused an invitation to the memorial service at St Pauls on Novenber 1st, for the familes of the 52 victims of 7/7.

Ken Livingston is an overgrown adolescent who delights in stoking controversy. It's not necessary for the perpetrators' family to attend a memorial service to the victims in order for them to grieve or apologise. Anyway, surely this is a matter for the relative of the victims and nothing to do with Red Ken.

To be quite honest I would like to see a modern remake of the film "Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia" with the head of Alfredo being substituted by that of Ken.

The man is a total tosspot with no redeeming features. At least:

Blair: Can be charming
Prescott: Good left hook
Mowlam: Looked quite shaggable as a teenager in 1969
Glenda Jackson: still fanciable after all these years. I'm sure I could turn that perpetual frown into a grimace of joy

With a bit of luck this puerile twat will be barred from office for insulting that Jewish journalist and we will see the last of the real life incarnation of Dave Spart.

The JPH Manifesto

2005-10-28T13:56:00.000+01:00

Law and Order

1. Legalise and tax all drugs and prostitution. Release those in prison for drug offences.
2. Build 4X the number of prison places. Introduce hard labour for prisoners.
3. Separate traffic police and ordinary police. Get rid of speed cameras.
4. Elected CPS and Police chief.

Tax

1. Introduction of flat rate of income tax 20%.
2. Extension of lower flat rate of VAT 20%.

In short try to tax near to most transactions at 20% of their value. Undesirable stuff drugs etc to be taxed higher. Except Superlagers which will reduce the appalling tax burden on street drinkers.

Europe

1. Leave european parliament but maintain trade relations.

Constitution

1. Abolition of aristocrasy + house of lords land reform.
2. Adoption of US constitution.

Government

1. Everything apart from the Law and Defence privatised.
2. Mass redundancy of civil servants unnecessarily recuited by Grodon.

Immigration

1. Mass round up of illegals and deportation
2. Re-establish border controls.
3. Controlled immigration where it benefits the British people.

That'll do for a start...

Christian Jihad

2005-10-28T13:39:00.000+01:00

Not one day goes by without us reading in the paper that Muslims are trying to ban some of our most cherished traditions like the Piggy Bank, Burger King Icecreams and Winnie the Pooh's Piglet.

It's about time us Christians (that probably doesn't include me really since I'm Church of England) started protesting about the affront to our religion that modern society is. Fellow Christian Warriors here are some suggestions of how to take the war to the enemy.

1. Your workmate eats a bread roll - so offensive because it's the body of Christ.

2. Someone with a headache takes a tablet. For fukes sake Moses had to go up the burning bush to get the tablets in the first place: how can you possibly offend Christian sensibilities more.

3. When you are on a DV (Domestic Violence charge) this works a treat with a beak who knows his Bible.

Tell the judge you gave her a slap because during love making she utterd the words "Oh God. Oh God". One of the commandments forbids against it; the one called taking the name of our Lord in vein [sic].

4. People eating salt. Lot's wife was turned into salt and so if you are eating salt you are eating Lot's wife, which, while she might enjoy it, is committing the sin of adultery.

Let's get out there and reclaim the mainstream of bigotry that used to ours but which we senselessly handed over to the Muslims...

Why the BBC should keep the License Fee

2005-10-26T14:06:00.000+01:00

I watched an episode of "Only Fools and Horses" from the 1980's that was repeated in prime time the other week.

How we all laughed! That one program alone totally justifies the license fee. I for one would be happy if the BBC charged us £160 per WEEK and never invested in new programming, such is the quality of their re-runs.

Privatise the BBC? Rodney - YOU PLONKER!

The Imminent Assault on our Super Lagers

2005-10-21T20:45:00.000+01:00

Super Lagers of 8.0% abv and over provide a welcome release to the unemployed from their stressful lives at an affordable price. For 99p to about £1.50 the feckless can purchase their entire government recommended alcohol ration for the day.

Now the BBC and the Sun, both organs of the state, have begun the campaign to outlaw these brews on the flawed basis that they are "dangerous to our health".

The BBC ran a series showing how the lives of Street Drinkers were blighted by the easy availability of the cheap hit from a Super Lager. I say that Super Lager enhances their lives by hiding from them the true extent of their depravity.

The Sun had a story on page 14 about how Tennants were going to reduce the size of their can from 500ml to 440ml in a responsible attempt to lessen the consumption of their Jimmie fuel. Well its a bit of a no brainer because I think even the most addled tramp is going to work out that he will just have to drink more cans.

Both these are pre-cursors, the warm up men, to the government's main show. It will shortly announce a punitive tax on these wonderful aids to relaxation.

Do we want to see the death of these famous all English Brands in another nanny state tells us what's best for us.

Super Tennants aka "Electric Soup"
Carlsberg Special Brew aka "Spec" or "Carlie Grenades"
Force Ten - the world's first beer to achieve 10% ABV.
White Lightening - you can use the empty plastic bottle as a pillow.
Turbo - turbocharge your social life with this wonderful Cider.
Graphite - or should that be Grafight
SKOL 1080 - Now renamed super strength and advertised by Hagar the Horrible.

And they will die. Where's Skoal Bandits today for instance after the government campaign?

If the government took this attitude to Real Ale or Whiskeys there would be an outcry. It is picking on the Super Lager sector of the market because (for some reason) it lacks the articulacy to respond to the government's attack.

Darcy: Teenage Awakenings

2005-10-21T20:08:00.000+01:00

Well its a good job that I am earning shitloads of cash from my Blog with eager punters clicking on the adverts suggested by Google. Unfortunately I took a look at my earnings and they have yet to rise above $0.00. I guess that my approach to Blogging is all wrong and I should be trying the populist tactics that appeal to the lowest common denominator rather than taking the intellectual highground that I currently do.

With this aim I have recruited Darcy, a teenager with a hot, hard body but who is still above the age of consent which I understand is known in the porn industry as 'barely legal'. She will discuss her life which is considerably more exciting that mine and express her opinions which will inevitably be that much more succinct that my dreadful meanderings. So enjoy!

Hi, I'm Darcy and Wow! I'm writing the first notes in my new Diary. Kewl or what?

My Dad makes sure that I dress like a dufuss when I go out in cardigan and jeans which came from a supermarket. But when I'm on the train I change into my short skirt and crop top that shows off my pierced bellybutton.

I like to hang out in the mall with the jocks from my school - hey what did you think I was going to hang out with the nerds? [ed: watch out nerds are about 99% of your readership] Troy is the one we like best [ed: Careful: teenager with little disposable income] but I don't really like him as I like middle aged guys like George Clooney [ed: limits the choice a bit] but I don't need the guy to have a six pack [ed: we're back on target here].

What I like to see is an older guy that can keep up with the times. One who wears an i-Pod for instance (www.apple.com/ipod) or who is wearing Levi 501's (http://www.buy-jeans.net). It just makes my teen-pussy so hot.

Some of my friends dared me to do this to a guy. He was wearing a Burberry raincoat which I really like (www.gekkorainwear.com). I took my panties off (www.samanthalingerie.com) and walked up the escalator (www.otis.com) in front of him. I have a shaved pussy (www.brazilian.com) and a ring (www.bme.com) in my labia that I have told no-one about and I'm sure he could see it as he had a huge errection (www.biggerpenis.ru).

I felt myself getting wet and I knew I just had to have this guy [ed: enough for free; now hook him into your paysite]

Outsource UK Cabinet to India

2005-10-20T11:11:00.000+01:00

Toby Blair is always rattling on about the benefits of globalisation meaning there's some third worlder who can do your job more cheaply.

Surely what's good for the goose is good for the gander and let's face it those huge wages paid to Toby and his cabinet could be slashed if we got an Indo-sino team of politicians in on limited visas to take over the Uk government.

Additionally the huge UK government consultancy bill could be reduced by Grodon bringing a few African medicine men over to the Uk who, for the price of ten pints of water buffalo's blood, would provide us with as much bullshit information as the McKinsey Consultancy charges £500million for.

Then again how much does a Chechen hit man charge? This Globalization really does have its possibilities...

Fat People: der Vinal Zolution

2005-10-20T11:05:00.000+01:00

I think fat people should be killed in a Halal style and turned into Doner Kebabs with a skewer though their arse as a warning to others who might defy the scrutiny of the New Lobor health inspectors. It certainly would make closing time more entertaining to see Dawn French doing a twirl in the kebab shop before my bastard eyes that are seeing double.

Seriously though, I was a fat bastard and got Liposuction on the NHS (but only after I pretended I was an immigrant). I had all the excess fat injected into my cock and have appeared in 1000 pornos to date.

Burqua-O-Gram

2005-10-20T11:02:00.000+01:00

I wonder if there's a gap in the market for a Burqua-o-gram.

A Muslim fundamentalist has a birthday and his mates can't think what to get him. He's in the pub and suddenly a bird turns up in a bikini and starts putting her clothes back on. Now this is the kinky bit:

She doesn't stop dressing herself until she is, head to toe, totally, utterly, completely, 100% clad in the Burqua

Rhowll!!!

Top Ten Toon Bitches.

2005-10-01T13:46:00.000+01:00

I know that I am probably living in some kind of fantasy world fancying two dimensional slags above their 3-D counterparts, but I have not had much luck with the maximally dimensioned sluts of this space time continuum.

So it is to the flatlander whores of spacetime to which I turn. Porno mags will be debated at a later stage but I wish to discuss the suitability for congress of drawings which have become popular amongst a segment of mankind.

10. Jessica Rabbit

"Surely the hottest cartoon totty of all time. The cartoon allowed her to take on the proportions of the idealised woman. She must be number one", I hear you all say.

And I agree with you - that is until you carry out a Cost Benefit Analysis and realise that she is just too high maintenance. The trouble is that everyone wants her and she knows that - just look at the trouble she caused poor Roger Rabbit.

Joint 9th and 8th place - Daphne and Velma from Scooby Doo

Daphne may be the Uber Babe of Scooby do with her long flame coloured hair, pointy chin and conventional good looks all around, and dumpy Velma with her glasses and poor dress sense is at the scrag end of the meat on offer, but these two come as a pair in my imagination.

Velma is so obviously a lesbian of the most butchest variety that I was suprised it slipped past the censors. The clues are all there: she knows about science; she thinks logically - for fuck's sake, calling a girl 'Velma' is as much pre-destining her to a life of carpet chewing, as calling your boy 'Gaylord' condemns him to the ball milking future of a rampant homo.

I imagine using my 12 incher from behind to convert Velma to the joys of cock while I watch her tongue going hammer and tongs on Daphne's shaved pussy. See, this really is a case of two is better than one!

7. The Simpsons' Edna Krabappel

I've always had a thing for bored women who wish you to take them away from their lifeline of suffocating air into the rarified stratosphere of multiple orgasm territory. I think Edna puffing on her cig in a nonchalante way is the answer to my dreams. Alas I think that it will never be; so that leaves me only to approve the man she should be with.

Edna you are better than the slag you think you are. Ok he may not be the world's best catch and he still lives with his Mum, but there is nothing I would like better for you that to be happily settled with Seymour in the next episode.

6. The Bird with a nice arse in Ski Slope simulation video game (circa 1995)

This was where I realised I had a problem with Toons. You had to ski down the hill avoiding obstacles but I could only work the controls to follow that peachy arse of hers. My fantasy was that I would follow to a log cabin and soup and croutons for two, but, alas, it was game over for me everytime.

5. The White Pussycat

She just sits there like a pure slut a gravitationally attractive siren bitch which will draw sperm down to her eggness.

Tom has to fight not only Jerry but his alley cat rival to get to this piece of prove your manliness before you can couple with me type cum lolita sunglasses slag cunt bitch.

Ultimately the cartoon proves the reverse L'Oreal rule - she isn't worth it.

4. Disney does it for me: Alice in Wonderland

This was a strange one. I went to stay with my cousin who was allowed Disney comics when I was about 9 and my Dad did not allow Disney stuff because he said it brainwashed people. I looked at her comix and fell in love with Alice in Wonderland. It must have been the big eyes but I wanted to do something to her that I did not understand at the time. (Now I understand that the slag, cunt, whore needs her face decorated by the grace of some strands of my jizzum).

But then I watched some of the latest Disney shit with my niece and nephews like it was the Princess and the Pauper. I tell you that the Nazis have done less to promote Aryan supremacy than Disney. The good, nice people are all people with perfect facial structures and eyecolor 1A. The evil are less than perfect and possess an inherent rat-like disposable quality as inferior specimens of the human race that deserve a painful death according to their limited genetic acumen.

3. Tough luck Fred Barney's got the hottie: Velma

He's probably pleased that Dino chucks himself out on his arse at the end of each episode. That he does not have to go back and service that ginger headed bitch called
2. Josie and the Pussycats a two dimensional version of the Sugarbabes
1. Larlene from the Simpsons

Marmite on Toast

2005-10-01T00:30:00.000+01:00

The fuckin' problem is that every muthafucka out there wants to listen to the most borin' extrapolation on everyday life.

Bein' a commercial cunt that is the stimulus I need to switch to boring cunt mode for all of you to listen to me and worship me like the God I am.

So why is Marmite on toast so much better than a mere slice of bread with butter and marmite on it. It is one of the mysteries like the death of the Pyramid builders that will perplex and bamboozle mankind for all time.

The design of the Marmite pot: so iconic, but so difficult to get the Marmite out of. Did they do it deliberately just to wind you up. I think not they wanted you to pay for as much black shit coloured yeast as possible.

Tony Blair has declared Binge Drinking a crime.

2005-10-01T00:23:00.000+01:00

“M’lud my client, arrested while drunk for the crime of Binge Drinking, wishes to make it clear that he is an alcoholic who normally consumes a high volume of alcohol resulting in extreme intoxication. This can hardly be construed as 'abnormally heavy drinking in a short period', and so I would petition the court to find him not guilty of the crime of Binge Drinking.”

So Fuck you Toby right up the arse with my 12 incher stained to the watermark after taking Cherry up the Rikke. Chomp on that bellend sweetcorn Motherfucker!

This to check whether MI5 are doing their job.

2005-09-09T00:31:00.000+01:00

I have trained my dog,'Jihad', to walk with over 2kg of Semtex.

Me plan is to go to Downing street and throw the bone of Jihad through the gates. He is such a nice Dog that the Pigs will want to pat him.

Den I says "He needs some water"

Da sucka policeman lets him in, and then with the Radio controlled remote it is Goodnight numbers 10 and 11 Downing St.

"Allah al akhabar".

Also I was one of the pilots on the 737 wot hit the Trade Centers. We were beamed off the plane before it hit by Scotty.

I thought I was going to die and then I realised that Bin Laden was working for the CIA who are George Bushes mates.

Anyway we dug a tunnel and there is a 70 megaton device with bacteriological agents embedded which when exploded (triggered by me taking a dump tomorrow) will wipe out mankind.

That leaves me and womankind to repopulate the planet. Whatever Cant that's reading this - tough shite to you.

Sexual Socialism

2005-09-08T23:18:00.000+01:00

All men are created equal - we would all agree with that but the statement all women are created equal would surely draw a big blip on a lie detector for most men.

There are the 20 pinters and the chew the arm off in the morning bints, but there are also the crawl over broken glass birds and the I'd use your shit for toothpaste slappers.

In short there is as much variation in sexual attraction as there is in wealth. Surely this injustice requires an application of socialism in order to set things right?

I have created some new definitions:

"without sex for a time" = "living in sexual poverty"

"less sex that my mates" = "living in relative sexual poverty"

Make [sexual] poverty history now ought to become the slogan of priority amongst fit birds as they seek to alleviate poverty in the world."

Unfortunately they are not going to do that since they just dont fancy you.

This is where the government steps in and rights the inequities of the market. Here is my proposal.

Everyone is rated on age, attractiveness etc as to in the Dudley Moore film '10' sense they are worthwhile to human society.

Now why should an ugly computer programmer pay money to social security to support a feckless, but good looking cunt. The feckless fucker enjoys the programmer's money to spend on beer and spliff. Why should the programmer not enjoy the sponger's bird, or birds if the sponger is extremely good looking?

Under the new scheme sexual inequality is not going to occur because fit birds will have to shag at least 10 ugly blokes a year and the really fit ones like Amanda Holden will have to put out for at least 100 because of the amount of advantage she gains from her looks. (Sorry Les Dennis but you would probably enjoy it now you are a spent force).

I'm not saying desperate men should be given vouchers that enable them to approach hot bitches and demand their pussies as a right or vice versa because we don't want some Edna Everage approaching us on the street and demanding a lenght.

Also where are the government jobs going to come from?

I say we need a comprensive grading system and what person is not going to want to be a ten. Think of the dating adverts and how it would simplify the process when one could specify: I am a 6 so I would like a 5 or above to date with.

The trouble is that people would say that their sexual attractiveness is a result of personal effort and that the distinction between them and their peers had been earned . However much the same objections were levied against socialism when the government decided that wealth was not the product of sweat and tears but rather of a lucky disposition to accumulate wealth.

Anyway it would be a sensible system that would make sexual poverty history.

Unfortunately myself I would be a 9.5 on the male scale and would have to service a whole load of munters but in the interests of the greater good of mankind I will submit to burden which society places on me.

Sexual Socialism is the absolute tops: to quote my old friend Karl Marx.

From each [horny good looking bitch] according to their ability!!!

To each [me]according to his need!!!

Excellent philosophy!

Public Enemy No 1 Month: Grodon Brun

2005-09-01T23:54:00.000+01:00

August was a bit of a quiet month for the rants. Maybe consumption of Spec crept up to the level where it no longer acted as a lubricant, but as a laxative.

Anyway I have cleaned up my act a bit and this month I hope to use my considerable influence with the world leaders who regularly read this column to expose Grodon Brun for the total cant he is.

This does not feature an extract from my forthcoming novel: 6.0 ABV. Instead it features an extract from my Novel which was banned from publication by the Literary Agents that act as a front for the Illuminati.

Today's extract features an in depth study of the close relationship between a Prime Minister and his Chancellor - enjoy...

Brun treated himself to a rare moment’s relaxation; the job of running the economy was a full time job. Feet up on the ministerial desk he began to dream of the time when that donkey in the manger, Blur, would hand over the reins of power.
At last he could use his influence to bring an end to poverty. For too long the wealth creators had had their way.

His target was the men who expected their wives to stay in line just because they were earning a wage packet.

His target was the house holder who did not wish to share his property with burglars

Soon the new enterprise culture would result in a single large company that would employ everyone in a socially useful manner. Some people said that this was just another name for communism but they were wrong. All other forms of communism that had come before this were not the real deal, but what Brun was offering was the full monte. It just had to be sold to them by the snake oil of Blur. The British people would understand.

Brun was rudely interrupted from his reverie by what felt like someone booting the back of his chair.

“Oi, cunt! Wake Up!”
“Toby, what are you doing here I thought you were in Asia.”
“What the FUCKING FUCK is this?” Blur held Brun’s head by the hair so he could not avoid the headline.

£20 BILLION BLACK HOLE DEFICEIT IN ECONOMY.

“So, you ugly, Scottish wanker, how the fuck I am supposed to go to the country and get re-elected when you’ve fucked things up so royally?”
“But I’ve created two million new jobs, surely the extra revenue will cover things.”
“You complete plank. You’ve created 2 million public sector jobs. They’re called PUBLIC sector because the public have to pay for them.”
“Don’t worry I’m sure economic growth will take care of all this.”
“Economic growth. Have you any idea how much a Billion Pounds is?”
“I think its something like a million millions.”
“Er…you might be right”

Blur wasn’t too sure himself, but what mattered was that 20 of them had gone missing.

“Brun. I leave you in charge of an economy which was in such good shape after the Toreis lost power it would take a complete fucking moron to bollox things up. All you had to do was nothing and look the statesman part, but you can’t even do that. You have to tinker and meddle even though you know fuck all about economics.
“Well, twat face, I am giving you 48 hours to get things sorted. Otherwise it’s the back benches for you and no index linked, inflation proofed final salary minister’s pension for you.”

Brun tried to push his dishevelled hair into place and to stop sweating. He reached in the ministerial desk for a wee nip to calm his nerves. Things had been a breeze for the past seven years and the economy had sailed despite his unwitting attempts to sabotage it.

How the fuck was he to find 20 billion?

The Silence of the BBC - Brazilian was an Illegal Immigrant

2005-07-30T00:30:00.000+01:00

The BBC describe it as a the death of a man whose visa was two years out of date. They have not in any broadcast say this was a man who was working here illegally and in this country illegally with forged documents.

This is a tragedy, but a preventable one, had our immigration services being working properly. Had they forced him back to Brazil then he would not have run at the challenge by the Police.

This is Grodon Browns deliberate policy of undermining UK wage inflation by allowing virtually anyone into our job market. It is an effective policy but a totally illegal one which has not even been discussed with the British Electorate.

Probably a Million untracables are here. A million people that can Juk you and ghost their way away.

That's why I always walk away from trouble. I am accountable and there are a million who are not.

Science makes Progress not Politicians

2005-06-21T23:33:00.000+01:00

I was helping a mate clear a house the other day. There was an old video which the woman said I could have, since I didn't have one. It's old fashioned, but at its time it was one of the best. It cost over £400.

Of course, if I had the money I could get a better video for about £29.95 down Sainsbury's, the Supermarket that sells them as just another commodity item.

And then I saw another Newspaper headline: Burglary down. Naturally Blair and the assorted bunch of pigs that dares to call itself a Police Force were quick to claim credit. Their vigilance had assured that our homes were now safe from the attention of people who would wish to appropriate the contents.

Like totally WROOONNG DUDE!

The reason they're not after our homes anymore is that there is nothing worth anything in the average home left to nick. All the electrical goods that were such reliable sellers in the pub on a Tuesday afternoon have become so cheap, that the low life seller is going to have to start giving warranties on the goods just to get anyone interested.

Of course, like any bacteria or virus, crime has adapted. It now concentrates on assaults against the person to obtain their cash (mugging) and burglary of the rich (especially Ozzie Ozbourne).

The reason our inept bunch of Starsky and Hutch wannabes can solve any crimes at all is down to DNA. It provides a 100% certainty that the right man has been convicted and there has not been a miscarriage of justice.

The first case of DNA profiling to secure a conviction for murder illustrates this.

Colin Pitchfork was the Real Killer (prob out on parole by now)

The suspect had signed a confession and pleaded guilty and Plod wanted to fit him up to take another unsolved murder off the books, so they contacted forensics to confirm their 'hunch', but guess what?

The DNA semen sample taken from the victim did not match the spiral helix of the man about to serve life. Another failure for science!

Alas, for the Police the scientists stuck behind their conviction, and it turned out, like in so many unsolved crimes, the Police had turned to that tried and trusted method of:

Let's find the town Retard or Weirdo and knock a confession out of him.

There was and (is?) so much of that particular technique being used that I'm surprised it's not made it's way into the offical Police Manual.

PS. Take a look at the Simpsons: in Mayor Quimby and Chief of Police, Wiggum, you have the truth of the klutz that has blundered their way into control of us.

Why Society hates Homos

2005-06-17T00:09:00.000+01:00

When you're young and growing up you generally tend to play with the same sex and judge them on whether they are nice or not.

Hit adolescence and that all goes out the window and the new criteria for perfection becomes the perfection of the tits and arse or if your female the position in the male pecking order.

Naturally the winners get to make the rules and the homos (incl lesbos) are not playing by the rules the new winners in society have mapped out.

So that's why we all hate you faggot fucks...

There will never be Justice because the Ruling Class will always Promote Strife

2005-06-15T22:52:00.000+01:00

We live on a Shit Pile that we are all trying to make our way to the top of.

Edmund Hilarys looking down from the top will use the climbing boot in the face tactic for those about to make the summit, but there's a better tactic for the lower echelons: to surround them in swamp and mire, so that they never climb a foot beyond their station.

Now why do you think they:

1. Don't lock up criminals
2. Permit anyone to come and live here.
3. Pay huge amounts of social to the undeserving
4. Hand out Women's rights that are beyond a joke.
5. Have media that pump out lying propaganda. ie that bunch of slackers, the BBC.

What you have to realise is that strife in the working classes is the goal of the ruling classes. It keeps them in their places so they deliberately encourage social instability.

Believe me it would be a piece of piss to make life so much better for everyone. But they don't because it would blow their playhouse down.

Who are the UK Police accountable to

2005-06-10T23:37:00.000+01:00

Just who are the Uk police force accountable to?

It seems they can pretty much do what they want. The top man is always going to be able to claim his pension since there is no way he can be ousted from his job.

In the USA, both Police Commissioner and District Attorney (their equivalent of the CPS (Criminal Protection Service)) are up for re-election every so many years.

Our lot are really only accountable to their paymasters. Provided they bust enough motorists they are pretty much free to drive their fast cars around in what ever way they like.

There is no difference between Race and Culture

2005-06-09T23:58:00.000+01:00

JPH: Pass me the salt.

Lobor Party Member: Here you are.

JPH: But that's the pepper.

Lobor Party Member: Is it? They're the same thing aren't they.

JPH: No they're not. One's white and tastes salty. The other is greyish, mottled and spicy. So pass the salt, please, you dumb motherfucker.

Lobor Party Member: Still can't see the difference..

JPH: As you're a Blair Babe have some of this. It's white and tastes salty, but it's not the salt.

It's a very clever thing that the Labour party do: saying there is no difference between race and culture. It's a deliberate appeal to the primitive ape brains of the masses. We can see why the Vulcans developed logic in their society to circumvent such heinous misrepresentation by politicians.

Race:

A race is a distinct population of humans distinguished in some way from other humans. The most widely observed races are those based on skin color, facial features, ancestry, genetics

Culture:

The totality of socially transmitted behavior patterns, arts, beliefs, institutions, and all other products of human work.

Quite clearly these two definitions are identical. Especially when the Toreis talk about immigration. Imposing quotas is 'racist'.

Not all cultures are the same. Some are better than others. Lobor would argue that all cultures have an identical right to express themselves. I would argue that a bunch of people hell bent on killing us for not agreeing with them is cause for major concern.

Think of this country as your own house your'e not going to open it up to all comers. You want people that are nice to you and do the washing up and invite you round theirs now and then or at least bring a bottle of wine.

Race has the important characteristic that you are born with it. Culture can be changed at any time. I can't become a person with black skin, but if I want to I can be a Muslim.

Dell used to make computers that were all in white boxes. Now most of their models are in black boxes. Nobody would seriously judge a computer on the colour of the box it came on. They w0uld assess it on how advanced the software and hardware was.

I was in a pub recently and one of our Albanian friends that we have invited over here started sounding off about a person with black skin who had a girlfriend with blonde hair.

"Hey, you Englis the trouble with you is that you surrender this country to a load of fuckin' niggers."

Eventually I did object to this, but then someone pointed out that the Albanians were top for jukking (ed: stabbing) you for minor disagreements.

Now the Lobor party comes up with the idea that we can be arrested for being insulting about someone's religion. The religious hate rule is being introduced to get that vital Muslim vote that will swing it in the marginals. (Try telling that to Oona - they all voted for Galawi anyway).

So I can decide that my God is my cock and that my religion is to wapp it out every time I see an attractive woman. Religions are not born, remember, someone has to instigate them so I'll make my own.

This is the most insidious piece of legislation ever because it has to do with insulting someone's ideas rather than the things he cannot change.

If we want to find some decent racism we only have to look towards the Lobor party's recent election advertisments directed towards the Muslim marginals that explained the racial origin of the Leader of the Opposition and the Chancellor.

Shylock and Flying Pigs

The advertisments didn't go as far as rats infesting a ship but featured Shylock Howard and Pigs might fly Howard and Letwin. In case you didn't get the message Lobor were trying to get across let me translate into German.

Achtung! Der Fuhrer von "Conservative Party" ist ein Juden!

London 2012 - What a Scam

2005-06-09T23:31:00.000+01:00

The argument for the London Olympic bid goes: have a party and invite your neighbours round, and it will shame you into doing something about the state of your house before the guests see it. And who are these guests? The guest list doesn't just include your friends but anyone off the street, including some very unsavory characters such as China, North Korea, Iran and Zimbabwe.

Most people don't throw a party as an excuse to do up the house. They generally tend to do it with the simple stimulus of trying to improve conditions for the people living in that house. The organisers are saying we need good transport and facilities for the people that are coming to our party for two weeks only, while ignoring the people who are going to spend their whole lives in the area. The powers that be can do this for any old people who come to visit provided there's a bit of international prestige in it for them.

So why dont they think the people who live in the area 24/7 should have good transport and facilities regardless of the Olympic Games. I use the reverse L'Oreal argument: BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT.

When someone says that something is for the general good, alarum bells have to start ringing. Everything I do, be it taking a shit, or reading a paper or going to work is for the good of me. I don't say or believe any different.

So it is with the 2012 Olympic bid. If there's so much benefit to be made, why don't the people who believe in this want to cream this off for themselves and make a bid to host the games purely on their own initiative.

Answer they can only make a bid when they have confidence that the public purse will pay for everything. THIS MEANS YOU - THE FUCKER WHATS READING THIS. You are going to pay through the nose for the project with very little coming back to you and with the bulk ending up in the wages and expenses of the scam artistes spinning this one to you.

Ask the cunts if they will work for nothing and then a commission if London gets the games, and you will see them sprinting away from a hot potato like Ben Johnson on twice the drugs he took.

Londoners, think your council tax is high now? Just wait till the stadiums are being built and the guaranteed budgets get exceeded. Be sensible and let some other suckas fall for this rush and watch the games on telly for free. You don't have to be close enough to smell the jockstrap in order to enjoy the games.

But what I really want to know is how to get on the IOC. That has to be the best job in the world. Swanning around from one city to another being plied by one set of shysters after another. Kick-backs, top hotels and the best bubbly all sound good, but what's going to sway it, in my opinion, is the quality of the hookers they supply.

I want at least three slurping at my cock with one underneath to collect the output of my Jap's eye that missed the other two bitches. I want it on high speed camera too so I can replay it back in my dotage and maybe get enough of a rod to spunk off when I'm eighty.

I'm told the reason the English prozzers call it 'French' is because they are so good at 'Le Nosh'. Hence my Olympian prediction of:

PARIS!

Women hate Pornography like the Police hate Vigilantes

2005-06-01T23:38:00.000+01:00

You can crawl over broken glass just to get a shag, but if there's something easier called Shag Lite a porno assisted wank and you can go to sleep without the cuddle and a kiss then it's got to be something an adman could go wild about.
The alternative is the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune of being married and being at the beck and call of someone that has her delusions of her superiority over you in the same way that you were one of the sperm beating at her egg.

Genocide Gold Medal

2005-05-25T23:18:00.000+01:00

The Bronze goes to everyone's favourite for the title, with 20million dead, A. Hitler.

2nd place and it's good old Unky Joe with 35m 'Premature Deaths', most of them from his own people. Joseph Stalin managed to kill on his own more than the invading most brutal racist army of all time, the Nazis.

1st place goes to a man who would never wash under his foreskin; it was for the Women of the Revolution to enjoy. Think about it Blur's babes with your wishy washy thinking.

Chairperson Mao still managed to whack an unprecedented 40m of his countrymen for some reason or other.

Anyone spot the pattern:

Bronze: National Socialism
Silver: Communism
Gold: Communism

So there we have it: Socialism kills all known citizens dead!

If there is a God I hope you have the most suitable hell for this Triumvirate of Criminals.

6.0 ABV - My up and coming new novel - exclusive extract

2005-05-11T21:17:00.000+01:00

Scheduled for late '05, my latest novel, 6.0 ABV, tells the tale of two self employed government workers, Bruce and JPH, who develop a Lager Concept that is free of the strictures of civilization.

Union Jack lager takes the country by storm by sponsoring such events as: In Pub Boxing Rings, the Drink and Drive Grand Prix and Live Lesbian floor shows in your Local.

In this exclusive extract ONLY available in specialbrewrants we take a look at the advertising strategy used to promote the U-J brand.

The scene setter clearly shows the famous BBC flagship program that claimed to offer a balanced view of politics, but subtly promoted a leftist/feminist/greeny pinko view of the world. The density of dungareed fuckers in the audience immediately makes it clear. You can almost smell the bum gland fluid soaked into trouser material smell of crusties just from the image alone.

“And it’s on to the next question to the girl with purple hair and the double nose ring…” drones the actor playing Dimblebore.

Pluta, spitroast champion, had demanded her acting break in recompense for services rendered.

“How do the panel feel about the demand that householders should have the right to kill burglars who enter their homes?”

"Over to Hilary Heston of the Lobor Party, one of the latest intake of Blur’s Babes."

“I actually find burglars quite sexy. Rough and ready men like them who don’t mind taking a risk turn me on. I kind of imagine him with a little goatee beard and a stripey shirt. If I found one in my nightie on the stairs - well, I can think of something else I’d rather do than shoot him."

The focus switches to a new harridan. It is clearly meant to be the Wicked Witch, Toby’s bitch, with her squiggle lipped mouth.

“It’s a question that needs to be resolved at vast taxpayer’s expense by the European Law Lords. My firm does a great deal of this kind of work and my advice to any burglar out there who’s suffered at the hands of a householder is to apply for legal aid and give my offices a call the number is on the BBC website.”

“…and what do you think JPH?”

JPH takes another swig of U-J Gold.

“I’ll tell you what I ferkin’ think.”

A hand held camera follows JPH as he traipses his way out of the ‘Time for a Question’ studio, down brick lined corridors. The fire door is pushed open to let in the daylight. Bruce is waiting outside at the controls of a Harrier Jump Jet drinking a chilled can of U-J.

JPH straps himself into the weapons officer position. They exchange a look that says there is no reasoning with these bitches. Finger meets button and the whirr of the jet engines is heard.
Back to the panel: they are interrupted in mid flow of bullshit as the Harrier crashes through the roof and hovers in front of the panel.

“Sorry to do this, but I’m probably a misunderstood product of my environment.” JPH muses, as he pushes the trigger.

The Gatling gun spat lines of death into the panel. The amount of special effects blood bags used must have been at an all time high. The whirring gun head spat out spent cartridges a la Matrix, but they were all painted to look like mini cans of U-J Gold.

The camera lingered as the Wicked Witch is butchered by the onslaught into stew sized chunks of meat.

JPH is not sure that would be enough. He devoutly wished that the electrons be removed from the nuclei of her atoms in the hope that evolution would never come up with such a monstrosity ever again.

Bruce span the Harrier on its nozzle jets. JPH took out the top row with the gun.
“This whole shelf seems suspect” he surmised a la Falling Down.

Falling Down was a great film, but the producers had lacked the guts to provide the ending that it warranted. The Michael Douglas character should have drilled the fuckin’ whore who divorced him through the brain before walking off into the sunset with his daughter. Bruce and JPH’s huge pile of cash had made sure the director of this commercial would never violate his sense of artistic integrity in the same way.

JPH readies the finger over the firing button for another burst, but Bruce flies up and away.
A whole row of NHS manageresses heave a collective sigh of relief as they are reprieved. Every one of the them was that kind of Bossy bitch who couldn’t wait to sue when they became pregnant, though why anyone would want to make them pregnant was another question.

Bruce has emergency boosted the Harrier to 30,000 feet. He corrects JPH.
“I think this whole city looks suspect.”

The mushroom burst took the entire city out a la Sodom and Gomorrah.

Cut to end scene

“Cheers mate.”

Shot of an arm handing JPH a pint of U-J, nicely chilled. Pan backwards. It is a severed arm in a nuclear wasteland.

Cue Slogan:
NO U-J. NO ANYTHING.

Politics on the Piss

2005-05-05T23:41:00.000+01:00

By the time you're reading this Toby Blair will be the high and dry winner of the 2005 election. In the words of the Bard, Michael Howard had no chance.

" There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life Is bound in shallows and in miseries "

In other words for you illiterates out there, the circumstances out there were never right for him. If you had Winston Churchill, Disraeli or Maggie in charge, they would have never beaten Blair, because politics mirrors life in an important way.

Labour is the party when you're on the lash and having a good time. The Tories are the party for you, if you have a massive hangover and want to sober up and straighten your life up.

I don't know about you but my life is:

1. God I feel so terrible I'm never going to drink again. I'll work hard and get things sorted out. After a few days... I don't feel too bad now. I've worked so hard and its about time I had some fun.

2. One little beer that couldn't hurt me. Oh this buzz is great I am living life to the full why did I waste time on all that boring rubbish. Nothing can hurt me and my good buddies.

Goto 1.

In 2005 we are about at the "I'll have a drink to stop the pain that I know I'm going to face, if I sober up" stage. It hasn't got quite so Winter of Discontent that the pain is enough to stop the party.

Let's face we don't want Michael Howard, that tight fisted Shylock at our party; well it's possible: Pigs might fly. I'm not taken in by any of Alistair Campboil's propaganda at all, but I would not want to be waking up to ugly Michael in the morning as the poster says.

Mind you, I'd rather wake up with my cock up the Tory leader's ringpiece than with the labia lipped trollope Tony Blair is going to be waking up with in the morn. Its a tribute to the man's ability to lie to himself that he can boast about going five rounds with the Wicked Witch in the night. As for myself, if I had drunk the 20 pints necessary to give it one, I would still take the additional precaution of going to bed with a chainsaw to hack the cuddling arm off it in the morning.

It's not that it's that ugly, her half sister is worth the full 2 minutes, but there is something rotten in the state of Cherie Blair. Tony is a sunshine kind of guy, but Cherie and Grodon are walking storm clouds waiting to rain on anyone who comes near. Oh, I forgot, and she steals money from childrens' charities to pay the mortgage on her, otherwise European Commission of Human Rights funded property empire.

To return to the subject: that we are on the piss explains all our present problems:

The Asylum Chrisis:

You're my fuckin' best mate you are. Come in to my place and have some drinks. No stay the night. [To sober person] Don't worry he is n't going to steal anything, or shit on the toilet seat. He's like a brother, he is.

Tax and Spend

Come on! Trebles all around. The Drinks are on him. He's got loads of cash.

Violent Crime

You looking at my bird? Whack!

You would think the British people would be smart enough to stay sober and progress their lives.

It makes complete sense, but then I examine my conduct, and I would be a complete hypocrite to be telling you that.

Zimbabwe offers to oversee Rigging of UK Elections

2005-05-05T23:10:00.000+01:00

Robert Mugabe saw no need for Tony Blair to be worried about the Election outcome.

"Into each voting booth we would place a Warrior with a fully loaded Kalashnikov. The voters will be sure to vote for the correct party.

"In return we ask you avail us of the services of your wonderful actor, Michael Caine. The state film company, Zanavision, wish to remake that famous film, Zulu, only this time we win. "

The Tonester was reticent but diplomatic about the offer.

"There's no way we could let you have Michael, possibly we could stretch to Jude Law. I've seen the remake of 'Alfie' and it's nowhere near as bad as the critics make out.

"As for your quaint African notion of Polling Booths, things have moved on in the first world. There is a new custom; we call it the postal ballot. There is no need for the voter to put his life at risk. He simply gives his ballot to the party worker, who then votes for the correct party."

Chancellor gunning for ‘MC Rover’ Executives

2005-05-03T11:39:00.000+01:00

Gordon Brown was most direct as he tore into the executives responsible for creaming off £40 million from Rover.

Stay oaf ma turf. If anyone’s going to raid a pension fund and steal the workers’ money to fund their gang, there’s only one name on the list, and that’s me.

The chancellor was the epitome of una-browed menace as he warned off the competition in an exclusive audience granted to this blog.

They call their self the Phoenix Four, but there’s going to be no coming back to life when a’ve finished with them. They’ll be deed and they’ll stey deed.

Earlier I had been picked up in a sinister black jaguar . Sat in the back was Blair’s Oddjob, Prezza, who blindfolded me. Amidst the intense secrecy necessary to avoid public scrutiny, I was taken to a location known only as ‘Number 11’.

As I interviewed him in ‘Number 11’, Brown went on to criticize Patricia Hewett’s role in the affair.

That was an inside Job. Naming no names, but that Trish Hewett will be going doon. She gets me to put in £500 million by telling me the name of the company is MC ROVER, I ask you. Then they get to purchase it for a tenner. Well ma darlin’, enjoy your cut for the short time you have left.

The Chancellor also criticized the Chinese rescue plan.

I mean, what are these guys doing getting the Shaghard Automotive Consortium involved. Every plastic gangster out there knows they’re a front for the Triads. They boys are heavy man. They’ll cut you into little pieces and serve you up for breakfast wi’ some soya sauce.

Unexpectedly the Longbridge workers came in for some stick.

This morning, six thousand workers all turned up to a mass rally. That’s five thousand more than would turn up to do some work. I looks at them and I thinks: serves youse right. Who’d ha’ the sense to hand their money to someone and expect it back forty years doon the line?

He eulogised over his own performance in office though.

Ah! You’se talking about The ’97 raid?

Git the idea fur Bobby Maxwell; there was a villain if ever I saw one. Nobody would notice the money had gone till they retired thirty years in the future, and he’d be long gone by then. He would have gotten away with it all, but he stopped paying anything to the big man, Tony, I mean.

That’s how you end up fish food.

Charitably he offered the Rover directors his professional advice.

They boys from the Towers Group should sit up an’ take note on how to pull off a really big pension raid.

The ’97 raid netted Fifty Billion from Pension Fund UK. Fifty Billion versus a wee little forty million from Mc Rover. So who’s the Pension Raider Daddy, eh?

The four hundred million losses they made might sound impressive, but you should see ma deficit. It’s huge!

Strangely Brown did not rule out the possibility of future co-operation.

I can mebe see them as Ocean’s Eleven Style young bloods, but it's going to be me pulling the strings. Ma gang, ma rules.

Unlike the rest of Britain, the Chancellor was looking forward to his own retirement.

Ma Pension fund is so big it takes me ten minutes to write out all the zeroes. And the best thing about it is: guess who’s paying (laughs)? The people whose pensions I stole.

A might do a late night spot on Channel Four to keep my profile out there. I hear that Roberta Kray does a good show.

(Apologies to Irving Walsh)

The Theft of Railtrack

2005-05-02T12:39:00.000+01:00

Yesterday in the London Sunday Times, a leaked secret internal document revealed that Byers and the the rest of the criminal gang that is the Labour Cabinet let Railtrack go under. Like the Chinese with Rover, they wanted it on the cheap. What's more they were the ones to cause it to collapse after they had placed unreasonable demands to improve safety.

This is only the tip of the iceberg of what will eventually be revealed (probably in about 30 years time). This will probably be dismissed as a 'Conspiracy Theory' or the 'Ramblings of a Drunken Madman'. And they would be right on one of those points, but all evidence does point to a massive conspiracy by Bliar and his cronies.

Fact: Blair was in trouble at the time of the Hatfield crash. There were Petrol Protests (or more likely Diesel Demos, since it was a bunch of truckers) going on and the protesters had widespread public support as that blood sucking leech Grodon Brown tried to extract every last drop from these hard working people. It looked like a major crisis with nothing old smiley face could do about it.

Then along comes a Rail Accident, and surprise, surprise, the whole network is shut down (made unusuable). If the Petrol Protestors carry on with their actions then they would be criminals, seeing as the rest of the country have no other way of getting round. Being considerate people and not ruthless power grubbing nutters like the people they were dealing with, the protest melted away never to return. Game Set and Match to Mr Blair!

Now let's look at a few things surrounding the accident. It was a dreadful accident and naturally I would not wish anything like that on the victims, but it is a statistical inevitablity that eventually occur by chance simply because any form of high speed transportation is dangerous. (or was it by chance - see postscript below). They seized upon the opportunity and, how convenient, Railtrack a Private Company was to blame. They could now appeal their decision to shut down to the masses who have been brainwashed by years of Marxist ideology. It was those profiteering capitalists in their top hats who are to blame. Their persuit of profit had been made at the expense of the safety of the expendable proles who used their transport system.

So they placed an unreasonable financial burden on Railtrack forcing it to make thousands of unnecessary safety improvements. (This undermines another Tenet of Socialist thinking the economic concept of limited resources and marginal return on investment of resource are unknown to them). It goes under after no help is given from the government in the persuit of its unreasonable directive and the Fat Controllers get their company taken away from them in the interest of public safety.

Now here's a thing: the "safety" program has forced people back onto the roads (remember the railways were chaotic), but road travel is many times more dangerous than rail travel. So the extra people on the roads faced a bigger threat for the time the railway was out and statistically more of them died ENOUGH FOR SEVERAL HATFIELDS. I rest my case this was not about safety.

Of course as it turned out, the Fat Controllers were a bunch of ordinary shareholders like you and me. They have taken the government to court but believe me they won't stand a chance because the case will be dragged out by legal technicalities somewhere into the 2020's when people will have lost interest in what' s going on.

I feel like the Newscaster in Robocop giving encouragement to Clarence Bodigers latest victim.

GOOD LUCK RAILTRACKERS!

Postscript:

Now I have revealed the truth to the world, I can almost see it in my mind's eye: one of Tony's henchmen with a massive spanner in the dead of night unloostening that bolt. I can almost see him turning the handle himself - he's that greedy for power.