specialbrewrants

Public Enemy No 1 Month: Grodon Brun

August was a bit of a quiet month for the rants. Maybe consumption of Spec crept up to the level where it no longer acted as a lubricant, but as a laxative.

Anyway I have cleaned up my act a bit and this month I hope to use my considerable influence with the world leaders who regularly read this column to expose Grodon Brun for the total cant he is.

This does not feature an extract from my forthcoming novel: 6.0 ABV. Instead it features an extract from my Novel which was banned from publication by the Literary Agents that act as a front for the Illuminati.

Today's extract features an in depth study of the close relationship between a Prime Minister and his Chancellor - enjoy...

Brun treated himself to a rare moment’s relaxation; the job of running the economy was a full time job. Feet up on the ministerial desk he began to dream of the time when that donkey in the manger, Blur, would hand over the reins of power.
At last he could use his influence to bring an end to poverty. For too long the wealth creators had had their way.

His target was the men who expected their wives to stay in line just because they were earning a wage packet.

His target was the house holder who did not wish to share his property with burglars

Soon the new enterprise culture would result in a single large company that would employ everyone in a socially useful manner. Some people said that this was just another name for communism but they were wrong. All other forms of communism that had come before this were not the real deal, but what Brun was offering was the full monte. It just had to be sold to them by the snake oil of Blur. The British people would understand.

Brun was rudely interrupted from his reverie by what felt like someone booting the back of his chair.

“Oi, cunt! Wake Up!”
“Toby, what are you doing here I thought you were in Asia.”
“What the FUCKING FUCK is this?” Blur held Brun’s head by the hair so he could not avoid the headline.

£20 BILLION BLACK HOLE DEFICEIT IN ECONOMY.

“So, you ugly, Scottish wanker, how the fuck I am supposed to go to the country and get re-elected when you’ve fucked things up so royally?”
“But I’ve created two million new jobs, surely the extra revenue will cover things.”
“You complete plank. You’ve created 2 million public sector jobs. They’re called PUBLIC sector because the public have to pay for them.”
“Don’t worry I’m sure economic growth will take care of all this.”
“Economic growth. Have you any idea how much a Billion Pounds is?”
“I think its something like a million millions.”
“Er…you might be right”

Blur wasn’t too sure himself, but what mattered was that 20 of them had gone missing.

“Brun. I leave you in charge of an economy which was in such good shape after the Toreis lost power it would take a complete fucking moron to bollox things up. All you had to do was nothing and look the statesman part, but you can’t even do that. You have to tinker and meddle even though you know fuck all about economics.
“Well, twat face, I am giving you 48 hours to get things sorted. Otherwise it’s the back benches for you and no index linked, inflation proofed final salary minister’s pension for you.”

Brun tried to push his dishevelled hair into place and to stop sweating. He reached in the ministerial desk for a wee nip to calm his nerves. Things had been a breeze for the past seven years and the economy had sailed despite his unwitting attempts to sabotage it.

How the fuck was he to find 20 billion?

posted by gruad @ 11:54 pm