specialbrewrants

Top Ten Toon Bitches.

I know that I am probably living in some kind of fantasy world fancying two dimensional slags above their 3-D counterparts, but I have not had much luck with the maximally dimensioned sluts of this space time continuum.

So it is to the flatlander whores of spacetime to which I turn. Porno mags will be debated at a later stage but I wish to discuss the suitability for congress of drawings which have become popular amongst a segment of mankind.


10. Jessica Rabbit

"Surely the hottest cartoon totty of all time. The cartoon allowed her to take on the proportions of the idealised woman. She must be number one", I hear you all say.

And I agree with you - that is until you carry out a Cost Benefit Analysis and realise that she is just too high maintenance. The trouble is that everyone wants her and she knows that - just look at the trouble she caused poor Roger Rabbit.

Joint 9th and 8th place - Daphne and Velma from Scooby Doo

Daphne may be the Uber Babe of Scooby do with her long flame coloured hair, pointy chin and conventional good looks all around, and dumpy Velma with her glasses and poor dress sense is at the scrag end of the meat on offer, but these two come as a pair in my imagination.

Velma is so obviously a lesbian of the most butchest variety that I was suprised it slipped past the censors. The clues are all there: she knows about science; she thinks logically - for fuck's sake, calling a girl 'Velma' is as much pre-destining her to a life of carpet chewing, as calling your boy 'Gaylord' condemns him to the ball milking future of a rampant homo.

I imagine using my 12 incher from behind to convert Velma to the joys of cock while I watch her tongue going hammer and tongs on Daphne's shaved pussy. See, this really is a case of two is better than one!

7. The Simpsons' Edna Krabappel

I've always had a thing for bored women who wish you to take them away from their lifeline of suffocating air into the rarified stratosphere of multiple orgasm territory. I think Edna puffing on her cig in a nonchalante way is the answer to my dreams. Alas I think that it will never be; so that leaves me only to approve the man she should be with.

Edna you are better than the slag you think you are. Ok he may not be the world's best catch and he still lives with his Mum, but there is nothing I would like better for you that to be happily settled with Seymour in the next episode.

6. The Bird with a nice arse in Ski Slope simulation video game (circa 1995)

This was where I realised I had a problem with Toons. You had to ski down the hill avoiding obstacles but I could only work the controls to follow that peachy arse of hers. My fantasy was that I would follow to a log cabin and soup and croutons for two, but, alas, it was game over for me everytime.

5. The White Pussycat

She just sits there like a pure slut a gravitationally attractive siren bitch which will draw sperm down to her eggness.

Tom has to fight not only Jerry but his alley cat rival to get to this piece of prove your manliness before you can couple with me type cum lolita sunglasses slag cunt bitch.

Ultimately the cartoon proves the reverse L'Oreal rule - she isn't worth it.

4. Disney does it for me: Alice in Wonderland

This was a strange one. I went to stay with my cousin who was allowed Disney comics when I was about 9 and my Dad did not allow Disney stuff because he said it brainwashed people. I looked at her comix and fell in love with Alice in Wonderland. It must have been the big eyes but I wanted to do something to her that I did not understand at the time. (Now I understand that the slag, cunt, whore needs her face decorated by the grace of some strands of my jizzum).

But then I watched some of the latest Disney shit with my niece and nephews like it was the Princess and the Pauper. I tell you that the Nazis have done less to promote Aryan supremacy than Disney. The good, nice people are all people with perfect facial structures and eyecolor 1A. The evil are less than perfect and possess an inherent rat-like disposable quality as inferior specimens of the human race that deserve a painful death according to their limited genetic acumen.


3. Tough luck Fred Barney's got the hottie: Velma

He's probably pleased that Dino chucks himself out on his arse at the end of each episode. That he does not have to go back and service that ginger headed bitch called
2. Josie and the Pussycats a two dimensional version of the Sugarbabes
1. Larlene from the Simpsons

posted by gruad @ 1:46 pm