This to check whether MI5 are doing their job.
I have trained my dog,'Jihad', to walk with over 2kg of Semtex.
Me plan is to go to Downing street and throw the bone of Jihad through the gates. He is such a nice Dog that the Pigs will want to pat him.
Den I says "He needs some water"
Da sucka policeman lets him in, and then with the Radio controlled remote it is Goodnight numbers 10 and 11 Downing St.
"Allah al akhabar".
Also I was one of the pilots on the 737 wot hit the Trade Centers. We were beamed off the plane before it hit by Scotty.
I thought I was going to die and then I realised that Bin Laden was working for the CIA who are George Bushes mates.
Anyway we dug a tunnel and there is a 70 megaton device with bacteriological agents embedded which when exploded (triggered by me taking a dump tomorrow) will wipe out mankind.
That leaves me and womankind to repopulate the planet. Whatever Cant that's reading this - tough shite to you.
Sexual Socialism
All men are created equal - we would all agree with that but the statement all women are created equal would surely draw a big blip on a lie detector for most men.
There are the 20 pinters and the chew the arm off in the morning bints, but there are also the crawl over broken glass birds and the I'd use your shit for toothpaste slappers.
In short there is as much variation in sexual attraction as there is in wealth. Surely this injustice requires an application of socialism in order to set things right?
I have created some new definitions:
"without sex for a time" = "living in sexual poverty"
"less sex that my mates" = "living in relative sexual poverty"
Make [sexual] poverty history now ought to become the slogan of priority amongst fit birds as they seek to alleviate poverty in the world."
Unfortunately they are not going to do that since they just dont fancy you.
This is where the government steps in and rights the inequities of the market. Here is my proposal.
Everyone is rated on age, attractiveness etc as to in the Dudley Moore film '10' sense they are worthwhile to human society.
Now why should an ugly computer programmer pay money to social security to support a feckless, but good looking cunt. The feckless fucker enjoys the programmer's money to spend on beer and spliff. Why should the programmer not enjoy the sponger's bird, or birds if the sponger is extremely good looking?
Under the new scheme sexual inequality is not going to occur because fit birds will have to shag at least 10 ugly blokes a year and the really fit ones like Amanda Holden will have to put out for at least 100 because of the amount of advantage she gains from her looks. (Sorry Les Dennis but you would probably enjoy it now you are a spent force).
I'm not saying desperate men should be given vouchers that enable them to approach hot bitches and demand their pussies as a right or vice versa because we don't want some Edna Everage approaching us on the street and demanding a lenght.
Also where are the government jobs going to come from?
I say we need a comprensive grading system and what person is not going to want to be a ten. Think of the dating adverts and how it would simplify the process when one could specify: I am a 6 so I would like a 5 or above to date with.
The trouble is that people would say that their sexual attractiveness is a result of personal effort and that the distinction between them and their peers had been earned . However much the same objections were levied against socialism when the government decided that wealth was not the product of sweat and tears but rather of a lucky disposition to accumulate wealth.
Anyway it would be a sensible system that would make sexual poverty history.
Unfortunately myself I would be a 9.5 on the male scale and would have to service a whole load of munters but in the interests of the greater good of mankind I will submit to burden which society places on me.
Sexual Socialism is the absolute tops: to quote my old friend Karl Marx.
From each [horny good looking bitch] according to their ability!!!
To each [me]according to his need!!!
Excellent philosophy!
Public Enemy No 1 Month: Grodon Brun
August was a bit of a quiet month for the rants. Maybe consumption of Spec crept up to the level where it no longer acted as a lubricant, but as a laxative.
Anyway I have cleaned up my act a bit and this month I hope to use my considerable influence with the world leaders who regularly read this column to expose Grodon Brun for the total cant he is.
This does not feature an extract from my forthcoming novel: 6.0 ABV. Instead it features an extract from my Novel which was banned from publication by the Literary Agents that act as a front for the Illuminati.
Today's extract features an in depth study of the close relationship between a Prime Minister and his Chancellor - enjoy...
Brun treated himself to a rare moment’s relaxation; the job of running the economy was a full time job. Feet up on the ministerial desk he began to dream of the time when that donkey in the manger, Blur, would hand over the reins of power.
At last he could use his influence to bring an end to poverty. For too long the wealth creators had had their way.
His target was the men who expected their wives to stay in line just because they were earning a wage packet.
His target was the house holder who did not wish to share his property with burglars
Soon the new enterprise culture would result in a single large company that would employ everyone in a socially useful manner. Some people said that this was just another name for communism but they were wrong. All other forms of communism that had come before this were not the real deal, but what Brun was offering was the full monte. It just had to be sold to them by the snake oil of Blur. The British people would understand.
Brun was rudely interrupted from his reverie by what felt like someone booting the back of his chair.
“Oi, cunt! Wake Up!”
“Toby, what are you doing here I thought you were in Asia.”
“What the FUCKING FUCK is this?” Blur held Brun’s head by the hair so he could not avoid the headline.
£20 BILLION BLACK HOLE DEFICEIT IN ECONOMY.
“So, you ugly, Scottish wanker, how the fuck I am supposed to go to the country and get re-elected when you’ve fucked things up so royally?”
“But I’ve created two million new jobs, surely the extra revenue will cover things.”
“You complete plank. You’ve created 2 million public sector jobs. They’re called PUBLIC sector because the public have to pay for them.”
“Don’t worry I’m sure economic growth will take care of all this.”
“Economic growth. Have you any idea how much a Billion Pounds is?”
“I think its something like a million millions.”
“Er…you might be right”
Blur wasn’t too sure himself, but what mattered was that 20 of them had gone missing.
“Brun. I leave you in charge of an economy which was in such good shape after the Toreis lost power it would take a complete fucking moron to bollox things up. All you had to do was nothing and look the statesman part, but you can’t even do that. You have to tinker and meddle even though you know fuck all about economics.
“Well, twat face, I am giving you 48 hours to get things sorted. Otherwise it’s the back benches for you and no index linked, inflation proofed final salary minister’s pension for you.”
Brun tried to push his dishevelled hair into place and to stop sweating. He reached in the ministerial desk for a wee nip to calm his nerves. Things had been a breeze for the past seven years and the economy had sailed despite his unwitting attempts to sabotage it.
How the fuck was he to find 20 billion?
