Give us back Our Land
What Labour should have done was take all the Monarchy and Assorted aristocracy and abolished it wholesale in 1945 with lands being divided up amongst the commoners.
ie they should have done something useful instead of just taxing the working class which is what they have done since.
Relieving the Aristocracy of their lands which they obtained by brute force would be a simple affair. The lands would fall into the hands of a company of which all adult Plebians at the time would be equal share holders and then the shares would be traded on the stock market. The nobs would be left a wealth 10 times that of the average individual so they couldn't complain poverty.
This would have been a great way to sort things out in Zimbabwe:-
With Zimbabwe all you have to do is redistribute the land using the above scheme and then what the holding company does is pay the white farmers to farm it while encouraging them to teach the rest of the country how to farm a small holding.
Robert Mugabe, if you're reading this on a late night bottle of Teachers and the freshly drained blood of a chicken then contact me and I'll sort your country out for you, so that you will be gettin’ the OBE soon my friend.
Aristos don't just own big stretches of sheep farming land they own big chunks of London cf. the Duke of Westminster. Their control of the supply of land pushes up the price for the rest of us.
Also they can keep their titles but they don't really mean much without the wonga to back it up.
Also House of Lords goes and is not replaced. Maybe it is turned into flats like county hall.
For example primo aristo Duke of Westminster is worth 5.6 billion for his lands.
There are 48 million adults. Doing the Maths that gives £5,600 / 48 = 116 pounds per member of the population. That is round about 80 cans of Special Brew or an Ounce of blow and that's only the first of the list. Probly with the rest of the Aristocrats (incl her Maj= 5bn approx) we could be talking about a tidy sum of £500 which I think in plebian parlance is a "monkey".
I have to say that private property gained through hard work should be sacrosanct but that inheritance from ancestors who gained what they did through brute force should be another issue.
I am not advocating state control of the wealth of the uber-class I am advocating that it be given to the people via the stock exchange. That land has to be made productive and there are various deals the Public company in charge of the estates (call it Plebland plc for argument) could pay to have this done even paying the former owners to maintain it. Just like the stock exchange sell offs your average punter could sell at any time he needed to finance his drug habit.
The rule would be very simple: any one with more than 10 times the national wealth in land who could not prove that the worth of the land was earned in their lifetime would have their holding reduced to 10 times the national wealth (still a substantial chunk) and the rest would be placed under the management of Plebland plc.
Mind you this is probably too simple for someone like Gordon Brown. The principle of Socialism is redistribution of wealth. We are being taxed on earnings, the rate of increase of wealth, which is not the same thing.
In economics formula, Gordon:
W=Wealth, t = time, k = some constant, d = differential operator.
Under ideal socialism:
Tax = k W
Under Brownism.
Tax = k dW/dt
Under Aristo accounting.
k dW/dT = 0 (Hence they have massive assets and pay no tax).
I think what happened when Parliament got its ascendency in 1650 or so was that the toffs said they could have the working class (the new name for serfs) to tax as long as they left the Posh alone.
Now that scottish tosser Brown is not going to change things because the Upper Classes still remain part of the secret ruling elite that controls this country and a deal is a deal and wobetide anyone breaks his word. Just like anyone else the Coven of Nobs behind this conspiracy are greedy bastards and want to hang on to everything they can.
NB The Queen is the chief conspirator in this affair. She is not entirely a figurehead since she has a veto on the general election and can act as a tie breaker. She didn't have to pay income tax until recently and is still one of the richest persons in the world. She is also exempt from inheritance tax.
The French are much lazier than us in the UK. They seem to work about a 25 hour week compared to our 60 hour average and take about 4 months off holiday in the year. Yet they still seem to have a better standard of living than us. Why? Their cost of housing is nothing like our own enslavement to mortgages.
I think they have Mme la guillotine to be thankful for that because once the nobs stopped enjoying their huge estates there was much more land in the pot for everyone.
I can now prove a conspiracy exists going right back to the Domesday book II. Didn't know of this research before now; I was just using the power of inductive logic. They use Ireland as an example where I used France.
http://www.progress.org/revwob.htm
Might have to start posting from an anonymous IP address after this as the MI5 assassins close in.
No, they've got a better solution to handling the whistle blower: just discredit anyone who reveals the truth as a complete nutter who's been on the spesh too much...
Reasonable Force
As one who has been the subject of a couple of aggravated burglaries and a mugging yesterday's liberal becomes today's vigilante.
When you're up against them one on one you realise there is no tactic they will not employ in order to get away.
As an example me and the Mexican I lived with in some shithole surprised a couple of burglars who retreated and found they could not get out. They surprised us and one of them hit me in the chest with a wooden pole. How he did not break a rib, I do not know but I was young then.
We overpowered them but instead of beating both into unconsciousness like I would do now, I tried to call the police. One of the lads broke free, and smashed a teapot on the Mexican's head knocking him out, after I had managed to avoid his knife lunges though I got cut on the hand.
They fled into the night. The Police as ususal didn't care a flying fuck.
Try it. It will change your life.
George Best
If I ever read or have to listen to this anecdote recounted generally in this kind of tone, I will personally pay £75 to have a Chechen Hitman take out the Cant in question. I know George Best is in the media lately for all the wrong reasons, but I just thought I would let rip with this little tale about Georgie in his prime.
It was straight after Manchester United's European Cup triumph. Besty ordered up some champagne to his hotel room. So the bellhop with the champagne knocks on the door and he doesn't get an answer, so he takes this as a sign to go straight in.
Anyway, what a sight greets his eyes. The European Cup's there, half filled with Shampoo and Bestie's on the bed with not one, but two Miss Worlds. He's got his cock up the arse of the blond one and the brunette one is licking his balls as he does this. To top it all this threesome's taking place on top of a pile of £50 notes.
"George," goes the bellhop, "George, where did it all go wrong?"
"Where did it all go wrong?" I ask you. That's so funny you couldn't make it up.
"Where DID it ALL go wrong?" That's probably the way he said it.
Hilarious!
I have since encountered this same bollox 14 times in the Newspapers - Cants.
Iran next for operation 'Freedom'
Tony Blair tonight condemned the Iranian premiers call to wipe Israel off the map. This is similar sort of rhetoric that he employed prior to the invasion of Iraq. Are we going to have to clump that lot in the name of world police?
The way that the army is manned both here and the US, unless we get the international community in, it will require conscription in both our countries.
We'll thump them obviously, but then its guerilla warfare.
The main problem I can see with this one is if a la Haig they recruit a volunteer force.
Saturday Night:Out there on the piss, denied entry to a club. Enter a recruiting booth. "Your Tony needs YOU!"
"Yeah I'll wipe out all those Towelheads. I'm a Fujitsu Ninja warrior. Just send me out there."
"Write your signature just there, son."
Sunday Morning:Wake up and we're praying that the ammo doesn't run out as I feed ammo belts into the HMG in the vain hope that none of the Millions of Fuzzie Wuzzies charging do not reach the British Line in a repetition of the Black Hole of Calcutta.
Ken Livingstone: a Real life Dave Spart
Ken Livingstone said that it would be offensive for the homicide bombers familes to be refused an invitation to the memorial service at St Pauls on Novenber 1st, for the familes of the 52 victims of 7/7.
Ken Livingston is an overgrown adolescent who delights in stoking controversy. It's not necessary for the perpetrators' family to attend a memorial service to the victims in order for them to grieve or apologise. Anyway, surely this is a matter for the relative of the victims and nothing to do with Red Ken.
To be quite honest I would like to see a modern remake of the film "Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia" with the head of Alfredo being substituted by that of Ken.
The man is a total tosspot with no redeeming features. At least:
Blair: Can be charming
Prescott: Good left hook
Mowlam: Looked quite shaggable as a teenager in 1969
Glenda Jackson: still fanciable after all these years. I'm sure I could turn that perpetual frown into a grimace of joy
With a bit of luck this puerile twat will be barred from office for insulting that Jewish journalist and we will see the last of the real life incarnation of Dave Spart.
The JPH Manifesto
Law and Order 1. Legalise and tax all drugs and prostitution. Release those in prison for drug offences.
2. Build 4X the number of prison places. Introduce hard labour for prisoners.
3. Separate traffic police and ordinary police. Get rid of speed cameras.
4. Elected CPS and Police chief.
Tax 1. Introduction of flat rate of income tax 20%.
2. Extension of lower flat rate of VAT 20%.
In short try to tax near to most transactions at 20% of their value. Undesirable stuff drugs etc to be taxed higher. Except Superlagers which will reduce the appalling tax burden on street drinkers.
Europe 1. Leave european parliament but maintain trade relations.
Constitution 1. Abolition of aristocrasy + house of lords land reform.
2. Adoption of US constitution.
Government 1. Everything apart from the Law and Defence privatised.
2. Mass redundancy of civil servants unnecessarily recuited by Grodon.
Immigration 1. Mass round up of illegals and deportation
2. Re-establish border controls.
3. Controlled immigration where it benefits the British people.
That'll do for a start...
Christian Jihad
Not one day goes by without us reading in the paper that Muslims are trying to ban some of our most cherished traditions like the Piggy Bank, Burger King Icecreams and Winnie the Pooh's Piglet.
It's about time us Christians (that probably doesn't include me really since I'm Church of England) started protesting about the affront to our religion that modern society is. Fellow Christian Warriors here are some suggestions of how to take the war to the enemy.
1. Your workmate eats a bread roll - so offensive because it's the body of Christ.
2. Someone with a headache takes a tablet. For fukes sake Moses had to go up the burning bush to get the tablets in the first place: how can you possibly offend Christian sensibilities more.
3. When you are on a DV (Domestic Violence charge) this works a treat with a beak who knows his Bible.
Tell the judge you gave her a slap because during love making she utterd the words "Oh God. Oh God". One of the commandments forbids against it; the one called taking the name of our Lord in vein [sic].
4. People eating salt. Lot's wife was turned into salt and so if you are eating salt you are eating Lot's wife, which, while she might enjoy it, is committing the sin of adultery.
Let's get out there and reclaim the mainstream of bigotry that used to ours but which we senselessly handed over to the Muslims...
Why the BBC should keep the License Fee
I watched an episode of "Only Fools and Horses" from the 1980's that was repeated in prime time the other week.
How we all laughed! That one program alone totally justifies the license fee. I for one would be happy if the BBC charged us £160 per WEEK and never invested in new programming, such is the quality of their re-runs.
Privatise the BBC? Rodney - YOU PLONKER!
The Imminent Assault on our Super Lagers
Super Lagers of 8.0% abv and over provide a welcome release to the unemployed from their stressful lives at an affordable price. For 99p to about £1.50 the feckless can purchase their entire government recommended alcohol ration for the day.
Now the BBC and the Sun, both organs of the state, have begun the campaign to outlaw these brews on the flawed basis that they are "dangerous to our health".
The BBC ran a series showing how the lives of Street Drinkers were blighted by the easy availability of the cheap hit from a Super Lager. I say that Super Lager enhances their lives by hiding from them the true extent of their depravity.
The Sun had a story on page 14 about how Tennants were going to reduce the size of their can from 500ml to 440ml in a responsible attempt to lessen the consumption of their Jimmie fuel. Well its a bit of a no brainer because I think even the most addled tramp is going to work out that he will just have to drink more cans.
Both these are pre-cursors, the warm up men, to the government's main show. It will shortly announce a punitive tax on these wonderful aids to relaxation.
Do we want to see the death of these famous all English Brands in another nanny state tells us what's best for us.
Super Tennants aka "Electric Soup"
Carlsberg Special Brew aka "Spec" or "Carlie Grenades"
Force Ten - the world's first beer to achieve 10% ABV.
White Lightening - you can use the empty plastic bottle as a pillow.
Turbo - turbocharge your social life with this wonderful Cider.
Graphite - or should that be Grafight
SKOL 1080 - Now renamed super strength and advertised by Hagar the Horrible.
And they will die. Where's Skoal Bandits today for instance after the government campaign?
If the government took this attitude to Real Ale or Whiskeys there would be an outcry. It is picking on the Super Lager sector of the market because (for some reason) it lacks the articulacy to respond to the government's attack.
Darcy: Teenage Awakenings
Well its a good job that I am earning shitloads of cash from my Blog with eager punters clicking on the adverts suggested by Google. Unfortunately I took a look at my earnings and they have yet to rise above $0.00. I guess that my approach to Blogging is all wrong and I should be trying the populist tactics that appeal to the lowest common denominator rather than taking the intellectual highground that I currently do.With this aim I have recruited Darcy, a teenager with a hot, hard body but who is still above the age of consent which I understand is known in the porn industry as 'barely legal'. She will discuss her life which is considerably more exciting that mine and express her opinions which will inevitably be that much more succinct that my dreadful meanderings. So enjoy!Hi, I'm Darcy and Wow! I'm writing the first notes in my new Diary. Kewl or what?
My Dad makes sure that I dress like a dufuss when I go out in cardigan and jeans which came from a supermarket. But when I'm on the train I change into my short skirt and crop top that shows off my pierced bellybutton.
I like to hang out in the mall with the jocks from my school - hey what did you think I was going to hang out with the nerds? [ed: watch out nerds are about 99% of your readership] Troy is the one we like best [ed: Careful: teenager with little disposable income] but I don't really like him as I like middle aged guys like George Clooney [ed: limits the choice a bit] but I don't need the guy to have a six pack [ed: we're back on target here].
What I like to see is an older guy that can keep up with the times. One who wears an i-Pod for instance (
www.apple.com/ipod) or who is wearing Levi 501's (
http://www.buy-jeans.net). It just makes my teen-pussy so hot.
Some of my friends dared me to do this to a guy. He was wearing a Burberry raincoat which I really like (
www.gekkorainwear.com). I took my panties off (
www.samanthalingerie.com) and walked up the escalator (
www.otis.com) in front of him. I have a shaved pussy (
www.brazilian.com) and a ring (
www.bme.com) in my labia that I have told no-one about and I'm sure he could see it as he had a huge errection (
www.biggerpenis.ru).
I felt myself getting wet and I knew I just had to have this guy [ed: enough for free; now hook him into your paysite]
Outsource UK Cabinet to India
Toby Blair is always rattling on about the benefits of globalisation meaning there's some third worlder who can do your job more cheaply.
Surely what's good for the goose is good for the gander and let's face it those huge wages paid to Toby and his cabinet could be slashed if we got an Indo-sino team of politicians in on limited visas to take over the Uk government.
Additionally the huge UK government consultancy bill could be reduced by Grodon bringing a few African medicine men over to the Uk who, for the price of ten pints of water buffalo's blood, would provide us with as much bullshit information as the McKinsey Consultancy charges £500million for.
Then again how much does a Chechen hit man charge? This Globalization really does have its possibilities... |
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Fat People: der Vinal Zolution
I think fat people should be killed in a Halal style and turned into Doner Kebabs with a skewer though their arse as a warning to others who might defy the scrutiny of the New Lobor health inspectors. It certainly would make closing time more entertaining to see Dawn French doing a twirl in the kebab shop before my bastard eyes that are seeing double.
Seriously though, I was a fat bastard and got Liposuction on the NHS (but only after I pretended I was an immigrant). I had all the excess fat injected into my cock and have appeared in 1000 pornos to date.
Burqua-O-Gram
I wonder if there's a gap in the market for a Burqua-o-gram.
A Muslim fundamentalist has a birthday and his mates can't think what to get him. He's in the pub and suddenly a bird turns up in a bikini and starts putting her clothes back on. Now this is the kinky bit:
She doesn't stop dressing herself until she is, head to toe, totally, utterly, completely, 100% clad in the Burqua Rhowll!!!
Top Ten Toon Bitches.
I know that I am probably living in some kind of fantasy world fancying two dimensional slags above their 3-D counterparts, but I have not had much luck with the maximally dimensioned sluts of this space time continuum.
So it is to the flatlander whores of spacetime to which I turn. Porno mags will be debated at a later stage but I wish to discuss the suitability for congress of drawings which have become popular amongst a segment of mankind.
10. Jessica Rabbit"Surely the hottest cartoon totty of all time. The cartoon allowed her to take on the proportions of the idealised woman. She must be number one", I hear you all say.
And I agree with you - that is until you carry out a Cost Benefit Analysis and realise that she is just too high maintenance. The trouble is that everyone wants her and she knows that - just look at the trouble she caused poor Roger Rabbit.
Joint 9th and 8th place - Daphne and Velma from Scooby DooDaphne may be the Uber Babe of Scooby do with her long flame coloured hair, pointy chin and conventional good looks all around, and dumpy Velma with her glasses and poor dress sense is at the scrag end of the meat on offer, but these two come as a pair in my imagination.
Velma is so obviously a lesbian of the most butchest variety that I was suprised it slipped past the censors. The clues are all there: she knows about science; she thinks logically - for fuck's sake, calling a girl 'Velma' is as much pre-destining her to a life of carpet chewing, as calling your boy 'Gaylord' condemns him to the ball milking future of a rampant homo.
I imagine using my 12 incher from behind to convert Velma to the joys of cock while I watch her tongue going hammer and tongs on Daphne's shaved pussy. See, this really is a case of two is better than one!
7. The Simpsons' Edna Krabappel
I've always had a thing for bored women who wish you to take them away from their lifeline of suffocating air into the rarified stratosphere of multiple orgasm territory. I think Edna puffing on her cig in a nonchalante way is the answer to my dreams. Alas I think that it will never be; so that leaves me only to approve the man she should be with.
Edna you are better than the slag you think you are. Ok he may not be the world's best catch and he still lives with his Mum, but there is nothing I would like better for you that to be happily settled with Seymour in the next episode.
6. The Bird with a nice arse in Ski Slope simulation video game (circa 1995)
This was where I realised I had a problem with Toons. You had to ski down the hill avoiding obstacles but I could only work the controls to follow that peachy arse of hers. My fantasy was that I would follow to a log cabin and soup and croutons for two, but, alas, it was game over for me everytime.
5. The White Pussycat
She just sits there like a pure slut a gravitationally attractive siren bitch which will draw sperm down to her eggness.
Tom has to fight not only Jerry but his alley cat rival to get to this piece of prove your manliness before you can couple with me type cum lolita sunglasses slag cunt bitch.
Ultimately the cartoon proves the reverse L'Oreal rule - she isn't worth it.
4. Disney does it for me: Alice in Wonderland
This was a strange one. I went to stay with my cousin who was allowed Disney comics when I was about 9 and my Dad did not allow Disney stuff because he said it brainwashed people. I looked at her comix and fell in love with Alice in Wonderland. It must have been the big eyes but I wanted to do something to her that I did not understand at the time. (Now I understand that the slag, cunt, whore needs her face decorated by the grace of some strands of my jizzum).
But then I watched some of the latest Disney shit with my niece and nephews like it was the Princess and the Pauper. I tell you that the Nazis have done less to promote Aryan supremacy than Disney. The good, nice people are all people with perfect facial structures and eyecolor 1A. The evil are less than perfect and possess an inherent rat-like disposable quality as inferior specimens of the human race that deserve a painful death according to their limited genetic acumen.
3. Tough luck Fred Barney's got the hottie: Velma He's probably pleased that Dino chucks himself out on his arse at the end of each episode. That he does not have to go back and service that ginger headed bitch called
2. Josie and the Pussycats a two dimensional version of the Sugarbabes1. Larlene from the Simpsons
Marmite on Toast
The fuckin' problem is that every muthafucka out there wants to listen to the most borin' extrapolation on everyday life.
Bein' a commercial cunt that is the stimulus I need to switch to boring cunt mode for all of you to listen to me and worship me like the God I am.
So why is Marmite on toast so much better than a mere slice of bread with butter and marmite on it. It is one of the mysteries like the death of the Pyramid builders that will perplex and bamboozle mankind for all time.
The design of the Marmite pot: so iconic, but so difficult to get the Marmite out of. Did they do it deliberately just to wind you up. I think not they wanted you to pay for as much black shit coloured yeast as possible.
Tony Blair has declared Binge Drinking a crime.
“M’lud my client, arrested while drunk for the crime of Binge Drinking, wishes to make it clear that he is an alcoholic who normally consumes a high volume of alcohol resulting in extreme intoxication. This can hardly be construed as 'abnormally heavy drinking in a short period', and so I would petition the court to find him not guilty of the crime of Binge Drinking.”
So Fuck you Toby right up the arse with my 12 incher stained to the watermark after taking Cherry up the Rikke. Chomp on that bellend sweetcorn Motherfucker!
